Ugh News

Philthy Blog

2008-08-26T06:59:00.006-04:00

Don't forget... Whenever I'm not posting over here a lot... It's usually because I'm doing a lot of stuff over at Philthy Blog. Come check it out...

blog.philthy.us

Love, Conrad

Why... When We Know Better

2008-07-24T16:12:00.004-04:00

Some days all I want to do is watch T.V. Yesterday was one of those days. I spent the majority of my time tuned to a box, useless. Useless to myself, and against my better knowledge. I tried to read a book somewhere in the middle of the day, but after about six or seven pages I started to yearn for the ease of the glowing box. Even more discussed with myself than before I needed the thoughtlessness, and I turned the box back on. Completely turned off, I wasted another day.

At work yesterday a woman sampled some blueberry gelato. She like it, and after deciding to order, threw into the universe, "Plus it's got all them antioxidants (she pronounced, annie-og-zidents), so it's good for you..."

No, that's wrong. I knew it. I've study herbs and vitamins for years. And how dare she pollute the environment with such a dumb and thoughtless statement. I rolled my eyes about to just let it happen, knowing that the comment meant one of only two things. Either she truly believed that a cold dessert could be beneficial to her health. Or, because she was a little over weight, and alone in an ice cream shop, perhaps the woman felt a little self-conscience and was simply trying to make a quick joke to sooth her unease. Both scenarios made me want to vomit. I consciously threw her a look that could only have read, you have no idea what your talking about you dumb twat. My urge to correct her and set the universe right again took over, so I said simply, "Well, it's not the same as eating a hand full of blueberries, this is a little too processed to have anything really valuable left, at least in that sense." I thought this a fair statement.

Well, I really must have offend her because she whipped her head around at me, grabbed my eyes with hers, zeroed in, and repeated like a some kind of future-robot-of-information that could only be envisioned in the darkest of negative-Utopian/Orwell/Huxley wet dreams, "Oh no Mr., I know blueberries have annie-og-zidents, OK, so don't try to tell me what I know... I'll take a large." She snapped and locked her neck and lifted lifted her right eyebrow so confidently, as if because she had seen one Dr. Oz episode of Oprah she was some kind of fucking Blueberry Scientist. I instantly gave up. I walked away from her and washed some dishes at the other end of the bar. At least I can fix these I thought. I'll have to correct the universe another day.

Why do we give up on ourselves, and others?

Why do we want things to be so easy?

Why do we watch T.V.?

Why do I buy iced tea, when I should buy water?

Why do I want to look like Gael Garcia Bernard some days, when I should want to look like myself every day?

Why do police officers consistently get new cars, but in schools never get new books?

Why do we spend $37,000 a year to imprison 1 person, and only $7,000 to educate 1 person?(US)

Why are 5,000 pedestrians killed each year by cars, including in 2001, but we don't have a War On Cars?

... Think about it, more Americans were killed this year alone by other Americans driving drunk and using their cell phones, than all the road side bombs and insurgencies combined, five years plus, in Iraq... (And that's only counting Pedestrian vs. Car fatalities)...

Why do we want better schools, but fail to educate ourselves and maintain even lower standards for our neighbors?

Why don't we do better when we know better? Or do we just not know any better?

Words and Video by Conrad Benner, Photo by Eric Gillet

The Art Of Acting with Conrad Benner

2008-07-24T16:03:00.001-04:00

... This is what happens when it rains all day...

Start (Your) Revolution!

2008-07-16T04:52:00.005-04:00

... No One's Starting It For You...

Taxation Without Representation

2008-07-16T02:01:00.006-04:00

... For Many Young Americans, This Is The Case...

(13 y/o boy is mega pissed off he has to wait a half-decade to cast his first vote.)

OK, 13 does seems a little young... But how do you pick an age, a barrier, that on one side argues someone is reasoned and informed enough to elect an official, and that on the other side, they're not? You could argue that a lot of adults aren't reasoned or informed enough to cast a ballot (mostly everyone that watches the 6 o'clock news, for starters).

Well, I was thinking, back to when I was 16, and working at Old Navy. At 16 it is legal to work in PA. So I did. And I legally(?) had 1/3 of my $6.35 an hour taken out of my paycheck for taxes.

In this case, income tax, a tax imposed upon those who are given no representation, contradics the theme of our constitution and the spirit in which it was written. So, should we rethink lowering the voting age again?

Not to mention that if people, curently in our public school systems, could vote...

These questions are being asked all over the world... Germany now has five states where 16 is the legal voting age.

For me it's as simple as this... If you are old enough to pay for your government's policies, you should be able to vote for the policy makers... Lower it!

Words and Video by Conrad Benner, Photo by Robin Dude

Start A (Mental) Revolution!

2008-07-11T15:41:00.005-04:00

... Start Something!

... Or You'll Do Nothing...

Thursday Is My Monday... And So Begins Another Week

2008-07-11T12:28:00.003-04:00

The 4th Of July Had Me Thinking... Independence, Okay, But For Who?

I work a service job. But that doesn't really matter, jobs are jobs. Wether you work at a cafe, an office, or Urban Outfitters. The systems are the same. You work for a company that views you as an expense, and are delt with accordingly. Like paper. They can write whatever they want on you, and throw you away just as easily. You earn just enough money to make do, maybe a little more, maybe a little less, depending on the job. You spend the vast majority of this money on necessities. Rent. Food. Healthcare. The rest you spend on things, generally made by slaves (of the more literal sense). Usually to impress people you don't know and don't even like. The things make you happy, until they don't anymore, and you buy new things. Most of your time is sold away from you. You are left, by design, small amounts of time to think critically. Anxiety rules this time. You're fat. You need a new job. Your mom has cancer. Your president just made it legal to spy on you without judicial approval (against the most basic ideals of your country's constitution). How much is that new iPhone? You spend your "free" time numbing yourself. Watching T.V. Drinking. Soccer practice. Pills. And there you have it. You make the world (economy) go round.

And don't confuse critical thought with the echoing of a news anchor, or the opinions held by a magazine, or any media for that matter. They are companies, who's priority is profit. In my experience, critical thought only comes from prolonged silence. Digesting what you've been fed, expelling the shit, and absorbing the nutrients.

In a system where your body is sold by the hour, independence is a critical thought.

My, Welcome-To-Your-Work-Week, anthem... (Mr. Lif, Live From The Planation)

By the way... I happen to be working at a great job right now. I've never been more happy with the people I work with, or the people I work for. I work Thursday thru Monday.

Words by Conrad Benner

The Age Of American Unreason

2008-07-09T01:32:00.006-04:00

... I can't believe I'm doing this either... But it's happening...

Trying to make a video,

2nd try, (I still don't know how to invert the image to have the book show properly.)

Would you believe that only "26% of American adults accept Darwin's theory of evolution?" Or that "1 in 4 public school biology teachers believe that humans and dinosaurs inhabited the earth simultaneously?" This is fucking ridiculous and altogether embarrassing. Why are we in the midst of such an intellectual depression and how did we get here?

I'm only a couple of chapters into Susan Jacoby's "The Age Of American Unreason" and the theories she's putting forth are already pouring in, bright as day. All while hitting all sorts of personal notes with me. Growing up in the 80's and 90's, video culture dominated my experiences and shaped my attention span. (Which would later be diagnosed as at a deficit, A.D.D., like a lot of children.) And, without having to read anything really longer than 15 pages, with the exception of a few Goosebumps books early on, and half of Wuthering Heights in high school. I found it a breeze to get through Philadelphia's public school system. These, just two of the issues Jacoby picks up while examining the rise of anti-intellectualism and unreason in America. With a quick wit, some damning criticisms and a powerful juxtaposition between America today and that of the newly born America our founder's lived, Jacoby kicks you in the ass from the first page of the book, a quote by Thomas Jefferson...

If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be.

Fuck all those days you spent hours gazing at a box, missing life, missing opportunities, and missing knowledge.

Read This Book! (And buy it from a independent bookstore.)

Words and video by Conrad, some excerpts from "The Age Of American Unreason."

3 American Heroes Saved From Evil Kidnappers In A Far, Far Away Land...

2008-07-06T02:35:00.010-04:00

... In Related News: After 6 Years Of US Imprisonment With No Charges, Not One Single Charge, The Bush Administration "Tries To Figure Out" What To Do With An Estimated 120 Foreign "Terror Suspects" They Do Not Plan To Bring To Trial... Currently Still Being Held At Guantanamo Bay...

(I wonder if one day his people will be able to write about him being a hero, released from some evil place far, far away?)

Give me a fucking break... The good ol' American "Contractors" the press speak about so endearingly work for Northrop Grumman, a US-funded (by the way that means 13.5 Billion of your tax dollars funded) "defense" company. The third largest US "defense" company, after Lockheed Martin and Boeing. They make B-2 stealth bombers, F-14 fighters, unmanned Global Hawks, assault ships... and on and on and on. They sure as hell aren't dairy farmers.

But then who are these men? What were they doing in Columbia? And to those questions, I have no idea... I've been looking around for about an hour now and not one "credible" news source mentions the 3 Americans intentions for being in the region. Isn't that kind-of important information?

When I come home from work and see that my dog, Choco, has taken a shit on the 3rd floor, the first thing I think, the first thing I yell, is "What the hell where you doing up here Choco!?!" ... Of course he never answers me. Usually his tail will slow it's frantic pace, the one that it gets from the shear excitement of my homecoming. A common, "I'm home!" dog owner/dog ritual, and as it moves down into his crotch, he throws me this look... this look like, "Geez, I... I, never thought you'd look up here, um..." After a second or two of silence I pick up the poop and I call him an "asshole!" (he has adopted this as his tough-love nickname), that's when his tail picks up it's pre-investigation speed, and we go for a walk.

The funny thing about all of this is, the role words play in sculpting thoughts and feelings. Not only do you not get the whole story from the press, but in the part of the story you do get, words, titles, and phrases are so altered, and so buffed, to give as specific a feeling as possible. So that, for instance, instead of "27 soldiers killed this month in Iraq", we get "27 troops killed". The word troop is less individual, less human than soldier. (Not to mention that we don't see any coffins coming into Delaware Air Force Base, like we have in every other war, or a single funeral services for that matter.)

Calling the 3 American men "Contractors", as opposed to "US-Funded Defense Something-Or-Others", makes the men sound like they were laying asphault on old dirt roads, or building new computer labs in underprivladged schools. It sends a distict image of good ol' American boys helpin' out 'em other poorer countries. Well maybe, that's as much as they want you to think, "3 American Heros Saved From Evil Kidnappers In A Far, Far Away Land."

And why is it that every "credible" news source is calling them "Contractors", or just simply "3 Americans", when really they are closer to US military agents? Is it a coincidence? Why do they all use the same rhetoric?

My fellow Americans, I have a feeling someone's been shitting on the 3rd floor... And we need a hell of a lot more than the US press admitting, "Oh, yeah... I, I never thought you'd look up there... Um... Oh, did we mention California is on fire?"

Written by Conrad Benner

Why I Love You...

2008-05-29T08:01:00.003-04:00

You all have made Ugh News so mega ultra successful... you have no idea. And for that I love you. And yes, of course, Ugh News will continue. However, I've been given a really great opportunity by Paul of Philthy.us to contribute to Philthy Blog. I'm still trying to figure out all the details, as in, what to post where... Right now I'm thinking all of the gossipy shit on Philthy Blog, and all of the Newsy shit on Ugh... Not sure though.

I'll let you know for sure what I'm going to do when I figure it out. For right now, go check out some stuff I've already written over at Philthy Blog...

Oh, and yes, Philebutards will be back... So get your shit together bitches.

Love, Conrad

Who's This Noam Chomsky Guy?

2008-05-08T04:26:00.011-04:00

“Propaganda is to a democracy what violence is to a dictatorship.”
- Noam Chomsky

“Lipstick is to a hipster in West Philly what rice is to the third world.”
- Conrad Benner

With Iron Man pulling in over 102 million dollars after only four days in theaters, we here at Ugh News are completely convinced that the media can shove anything down Americans' throats, and they'll buy it... (And that's not even counting $ from the concession stands... Fucking fat ass America.) Noam Chomsky is probably rolling over in his grave. That's, If he were dead...

You'd kinda think he was though... You know, for being “arguably the most important intellectual of our time” as the New York Times calls him, you never hear about him. Ever. Ever. EVER. (Not even in the New York Times... WTF is that about?)

Anyway, I'm not gonna sit here like some asshole and pretend like I know everything and I knew it first (... like I usually do) and say I've been reading Chomsky for years... and so on and so fourth... Fact is, I've only really been tuning into his ideas recently, and only saw his documentary a few days ago.

That said, you should watch it too, his documentary... and NOW! Unless you're at work or something, in that case watch it... TONIGHT. It's called “Manufacturing Consent”, based on his book of the same title. And it's about how the state and special interests own and use the media to restrict ideas and opinions to suit business and to keep power in the hands of an elite minority, while distracting the majority (me + you).

Plus it was shot in the early 90's so you can get all cool 90's fashion ideas for your next night out...

(It's almost three hours, so click here to watch it bigger.)

Oh Noam, Noam, Noam... God, I swear if you were a brand I would totally buy you. Like, if you owned an organic local grocery store in Port Richmond I would seriously bike there and only shop there even though I have Essene two blocks away from my house. Even if it went against both of our individualist beliefs... We're just naughty like that Noam, right? You like naughty Noam? I bet you like naughty...

Written by Conrad, Photo by Frenchkheldar

P.s. On a personal note (like this whole blog isn't a personal note...) Noam and I went to the same high school... Central... although grant it probably 50 years apart. Go Lancers!

Soo We Met Caitlin Welge Tuesday Night

2008-05-08T02:54:00.003-04:00

... That girl from Philebrity that we said took too many photos of her friends inspiring the first Philebutards...

... Well, she's a total sweetheart!! (And aside from that one set... She takes good photos.) We can't believe Philebrity totally threw her under the bus and “strongly reprimanded her...” That's kinda gay of them.

Anyway, Ms. Welge does video and other artsy stuff around town, feel free to Google her. And hey Caitlin, if you ever wanna do a video with Ugh News, let us know!!

Love, Conrad

Ugh News Readers' Polled, Split On Weather They Answer Blog Polls, Pollsters Around The World Tilt Their Heads

2008-05-05T03:21:00.004-04:00

... In Related News: 95% Of People Polled At Sorted's 10 Year Anniversary Party Agreed With Me That "It's Fucking Too Hot In Here, Let's Go Outside For A Minute"...

Big poll news today, truly amazing, with all conventional thought leaning towards a definitive 'yes' vote, the polling community once again reminds us that polls maybe aren't the best way to measure anything...

The question, simply, 'Do you answer blog reader polls?' The answer, much more complicated.

“This one really threw us for a loop.” - Don Pollson, Poll USA

The controversy stems from the fact that if you answered the poll, you are admitting that you answer blog polls, even if you answer with a 'no'.

“No one saw this coming, conventional theory had this tied up 100% yes, truly an off day for polls.” - Donna MacPoll, Poll News Network (PNN)

Poll analyst, Donald Polland, blames the faulty poll results on what he is calling, 'ironic polleés',

“These are people whom decide for one reason or another to give a false answer. Some in an effort to be funny, some because they have all but given up hope in the media, and yet some others simply don't read the whole question before answering.”

Today's results have sent shock waves through the country's polling organizations. Leaving us with many questions, such as...

“Do you think Americans are polled too much?”

Let us know what you think by answering our exclusive Ugh News/Poll USA poll on the top right hand side of this page.

Written by Conrad, Photo from Skyscrapersunset.com

Exclusive: Barack Obama Denounced Ex-BFF In MySpace Bulletin Survey Hours Before Indiana Speech

2008-04-30T04:01:00.007-04:00

... Also In The News: Barack Reaches Out To Young White Voters... But Are They Too Young? Too White?...

If you opened your eyes at all Tuesday you probably saw the news that Barack Obama finally denounced his now Ex Pastor, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, in a speech in Indiana... But did he really do it hours before in a drunk MySpace Bulletin Survey? (Oh, that and Disney made Miley Cyrus get naked or something.)

The denouncing (grmr?) came after several days on top of the Reverend's speaking tour in which he made controversial statements. Further highlighting the fact that people don't like pastors going around talking about controversial things and associating themselves with important political figures... Unless, they're the Pope and George W. Bush three weeks ago... (BTW, who the fuck is paying for this speaking tour? Seriously... The RNC? Hillary? We know McCain doesn't have any money...)

Anyway, Wright was saying some really sane things like, “AIDS was probably created by our government to control minorities.” And, “Terrorism happened here on 9/11 because we've committed terrorism around the world.” Um... Sounds about right to us. However, someone should've told the Rev that main stream America just isn't ready for that much truth. Hell, they're not even ready to vote that little twat David Archuleta off American Idol.

Well cool... We can put this one to bed, Wright?... Wrong!

Last night, we here at Ugh News received an email from a woman, who wished to remain anonymous, however, who did invite us to subscribe to her YouTube channel. (Mother fuckers is so desperate for YouTube subscribers, WTF is that about?...)

[ADVERTISEMENT]

The email was a Snap Shot™ of her computer that she saved with Time Machine™, a new feature on all Apple™ MacBooks™ that helps you re-see files, documents or Internet pages you may have otherwise lost or deleted.

[ADVERTISEMENT]

According to the Snap Shot™, it seems Obama posted a MySpace bulletin around 2:36am Tuesday morning, one he later deleted at 9:17am. The contents appear to be a survey where Barack answered several question decidedly negative about his quote, "Shit talkin', Republican pussy lickin', Ex-BFF, [Rev. Wright.]" ... Damn...

Well, we won't share with you the entirety of the bulletin, we can leave that up to the main stream media to fictitiously cover... Opps, I mean ferociously cover... No, I mean fictitiously. (We know they make most of that shit up anyway.)

For now, Obama supports have hope... and that's about it.

Written by Conrad

Did you see a drunk Obama bullentin and save it?
Let us know, email UghNews@gmail.com

RADvice: So Your Gurlfriend, Got A Boyfriend...

2008-04-26T04:21:00.002-04:00

... Advice From Conrad...

Katie and Sarah have been the tightest of friends for months now. Totally inseparable, they're number one on each other's MySpace pages. They're seen and photographed at all of the coolest DJ nights. And they've even started a little gossip blog together called, well, DirtySexyDecentGossipBlog.wordpress/philly (Which, incidentally, is a great blog, but never gets any hits because people can never remember the order of the adjectives.)

But what is Sarah to do when Katie's need for affection super-seeds Tim Burton movie marathons and ironic feminist girl on girl grinding at Silk City, and Katie lands herself a man*? Well Sarah, we here at Ugh News have developed a survival guide for just your situation...

*[We should mention that by “man,” we mean a reformed crust punk kid from Baltimore who is now the bulk buyer at Whole Foods.]

1. Don't look desperate/Don't Get HPV

Fact is Sarah, you could've probably be in the middle of your own dadda-didn't-hug-me-enough-growing-up mid-twenty's marriage yourself... if you didn't wear those ironically un-ironic Mickey Mouse sweatshirts all the time and dance like a fat girl at a Discover Zone pizza party. Seriously though, get dressed up sometimes.

Oh and don't freak out and start to get slutty to reassure yourself that you're still sexy. It may seem like a natural step. To get Katie all jealous by sleeping with guys you know she thinks are hot. Then text her the next morning all about your escapades. Well, remember Sarah....

HPV, while it might be the sexy STD, is not so sexy when they are cutting cells out of you to test for cervical cancer. And trust me girl, everyone has it... EVERYONE. And secondly, no matter what Bobby Fliecher told you in 7^th grade, your not very good at sex. At all. Period. So, keep it in your pants. (Well, I guess that doesn't really work for girls. You can't not keep your vagina in your pants. I guess, just make sure your zipper doesn't fall down.)

2. Sleep In/Get Skinny(er)

The only thing worse than missing your weekly Sunday morning brunch at Royal is knowing that Katie is ignoring your text message reminders to spoon till the early afternoon. To only later text you, “Oh shit girl, my phone was in the other room.”

Fuck all that. Sleep till 3pm... by then most of the heavy petting should be over, and you all will still have time to do some shopping together... and as an added benefit, you'll have saved those big brunch calories!

3. The Power of (2nd) Best Friends

Ok, this is where things get a little bitchy-ish... Grab you're number two (aka your second best friend) and head for the the biggest dance night in the city. Katie will probably take the night off, “I'm just tired you guys, sorry. Plus I work real early tomorrow. And I just eat this really weird burrito.”

Whatever, Kat-Lie (you know, not the most clever nickname, but it sure is funny when you and your number two are drunk and hating,) we know your staying in to fuck your new bo, enjoy it.

“Brunch tomorrow?,”

“No thanks, I'm on a new diet.”

So when you and your number two are soaking up all the attention at the Barbary, or Silk, or Making Time (really almost anywhere but Sal's,) dance all up close to a waiting photog. Get a few shoots taken... then...

Take that photo and make it your default*. (I told you it was going to get bitchy-ish.) Katie will of course see it and start to question your loyalty to her. It probably won't make her break up with or hang out less with her boyfriend... If she does, you all probably have more on your plate than your willing to explore. However it will remind her that you are fun as shit, and she likes fun.

*[Sad Future Alert: How annoying is it that you know what “default” means. No need to say MySpace, or photo, or main photo, or the only photo that you don't have a double chin in... Yuck, the future looks about as free spirited and carefree as a 3Am phone call to Hillary Clinton.]

4. Make-Up Sex

OK, realistically this phase of their relationship doesn't last that long. A few months at most. Soon enough Katie will be back at your side weathering the terrible 20's with you.

On a further note, you should probably explore this dependence you have on your friends...

Written by Conrad, Photo Thanks to LD, Janette, Sofi and Sarah B

16 At War

2008-04-26T03:39:00.005-04:00

... And The Backlash Against The Misogynistic Main Stream Music Industry Begins... Or Whatever...

Jesus... from fatherless homes, to peer pressure, to the shitty state of the air we breath Karina Pasian's has a lot to say... And we're totally tuned in.

Written by Conrad

Philebutards: Club Trend Spotting

2008-04-22T14:38:00.004-04:00

... Because TwoOneFive-utards just isn't as catchy...

(Gay guys this close to their hag = "I've been single since 10th grade... And had this faux hawk since 9th.")

Are Tongues-Out, In?

(Drunk "sexy" licking = People trying to falsely over sexualize their appearance to make up for the fact that they have a hard time looking at themselves sexually...)

Ummmm, still no... Club M/Oing* is gross. And fake club M/Oing* is sad and annoying... Almost as sad and annoying as your best gurlfriend receiving and answering text messages all night when you're just trying to hang out with her. (Seriously girls, put down your technology every once in a while.)

Ok look, we're sorry if your mommies and daddies chose to adopt the Dr. Spock method of parenting. But your acting out really isn't impressing anyone. And besides, you're sending a very clear message to the club world... “No, really... I'm repressed... And sex with me will be awkward.”

*[M/Oing is a commonly used abbreviation for making out. While we generally hate abbreviations, this one is really fun to say. Go ahead, say it out loud...]

That Guy Behind Those Other People

Take it from these guys, it's not always easy being around people who know how to use accessories. That's why they have to work triple as hard to get any attention. Squinting faces, or surprised looks traditionally adorn this breed who have the innate ability to find the one clean space in a photogs frame and stick their heads right in it.

While not in, or out in the conventional sense... (honestly, these people deserve as little attention as they give their own wardrobe.) We do predict the trend to continue. Advice: Crying/sad faces... that'd be fresh.

Arms Up While Dancing: Can It Make A Comeback?

(You know how like, you know there must be people that listen to Howard Stern? Because he's so famous and has been on the radio forever. But like, you can't for the life of you image who... (Three guys on the right...) Right!?!)

Ok, this is a trend we've had our eyes on for months now. With origins set in the 1920's with flapper girls, along through the 60's peace hippies, and more recently seen in the early 90's grunge/rock scene... A century long tradition of raising your arms while dancing looks to make a huge comeback this summer.

But raise aware... Sweat stains and/or fat arms will never be in. Unless your going for the Beth Ditto circa 2006 look.

Freestyle Wins

Avoid Philebutardism by busting your own original moves. Jump... Sit... Stay... to name a few. We suggest the yet untested: Roll-Over... Stop Chewing Your Leash... or Drop It, Drop It NOW.

Last Minute Hot Trend Alert!

(OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!... Can we say how tried we are of girls from West Philly wearing bandannas ALL THE TIME. Girl on the right! It's like they're saying... "I'm girlie enough to want to accessorize, but feminist enough to never wear jewelry.")

So... Low cut top, high waisted pant, gold chain, neck scarf, and medium height best friend not enough to bring attention to your breast?... Try spilling your drink all over them!

That's right... as our clubs and bars begin to swell with the crowds of summer, bumping into people and their beers, thus, spilled drinks, are inevitable. So fuck, we might as well make it a trend. However, spilled drinks on American Apparel hoodies will still be lame as shit. No matter what Philebrity tells you. (You just can't count on the Aging Blog to understand hot new trends.)

Written by Conrad, Photos from Two.One.Five

Hillary Supporters Are Getting Sooo Desperate

2008-04-19T17:18:00.002-04:00

... SERIOUSLY! She's had 15 years of the national spotlight. If she hasn't convinced us yet, this sure ain't gonna help...

(6^th and Bainbridge, Bella Vista)

Photo by Conrad

TVs Be Gone Part I

2008-04-19T15:31:00.006-04:00

... Remember when moms had to yell at their kids to quit playing outside and come in the house? I don't, but I saw that shit a lot on TV...

(Nice Gap cord jumper faggot... =)

Have you all heard about Wolfram Hahn? In 2006 he photographed a handful of children between the ages of 3 and 12 for an exhibit called, A disenchanted Playroom. The children, seen above, carry sad/despondent expressions. In the words of the artist,

“... with facial expressions rather to be associated with adults, unusual for children this age.”

The children were photographed watching TV.

“As such they seem lifeless like dolls, or bodies bereft of their spirits.”

I grew up watching TV, and a lot of it. That's pretty common these days. But do we know what it's doing/what it's done?

If these kids faces are any measure, it might be time to toss the tube.

Written by Conrad

Clinton Campaigner Ru(i)ns Philly Debate

2008-04-18T16:05:00.003-04:00

... All the while PA voters praise ABC's rich engaging questions and overall fairness and respect for the two Democratic Presidential candidates leading to an in depth evaluation of the differences of agendas concerning the Iraq war, the environment, and the deepening economic disaster... (J/K, motherfuckers is mad! AND WE IS TOO!)

The “debate” held Wednesday at the National Constitution Center looked more like a tabloid driven Obama trial more than anything resembling questions asked to help Pennsylvanians pick a President.

George Stephanopoulos (a FUCKING forming Clinton senior political adviser) and Charles Gibson (ok in our book until this week) “moderated” the event whose lines of questioning were as wide as...

“Mr. Obama, why do you hate the American flag?”

“Mr. Obama, does your ex-pastor love America as much as you?”

“Mr. Obama, could you explain your link to the 1960's Vietnam era militant Weather Underground organization?”

In fact, of the 90 minute “debate” the first 51 were spent on rich questions like that. Completely trash, and completely unimportant. Going to the last commercial break Gibson announced, “well, we're running out of time...” which tipped the audience to begin booing. Where were the issues, where was the substance? We all wanted to know.

Everyone from bloggers to main stream newsies to Soulja Boy (video below) had some shit to talk about ABC News, Stephanopoulos and Gibson...

On a positive note, we've learned a valuable lesson... Here's our chance... Let's use this aggravation to push these kinds of debates out of the hands of companies that just want ratings to make money. And demand truly independent debates.

Written by Conrad

OMG, Shoes

2008-04-16T17:14:00.006-04:00

... So, it looks like Erin is going main (indie) stream... Ugh News searches for new "ginger" editor... Must haves: cute; good dresser; laughs at my jokes; wakes me up before 2pm on my days off.

Mew Gallery Presents...
The Works of Erin Broadhurst and Lauren DiMemmo
April 26 - June 6, 2008

This series of works is a collaboration with my other half, a 4 1/2 year old black lab. Napali has worked diligently over the past several months to destroy my most prized possessions: vintage heels. This is an ode to my dog, and a memoir of love lost.

-Erin Broadhurst

Come check it out...
Opening Reception 4/26 from 5 to 9pm
Mew Gallery
906 Christian Street (at 9th)
Philadelphia, PA

Written by Conrad, Photos by Erin

Fags Flock To H(illary)ag

2008-04-14T03:24:00.005-04:00

... Also In The News: Thunder believed to follow lightning; and, After a string of cavities, South Philadelphia boy fesses to lying about brushing his teeth before bed...

(Chelsea's Thinking: "God my mom is such a Hag... I hope I won't have to do shit like this when they make me run in 2024!)

While the slue of gay support recently thrown at Hillary Clinton doesn't surprise us. It does seem a little like throwing a life preserver at an illegal immigrant capsized in the Golf... Either way, she's going home. (Not that you shouldn't throw a life preserver at someone drowning.)

What does surprise us is the gay media's obsession with painting Obama as somehow anti-gay and altogether ignoring Clinton's record. (As First Lady she consistently wore white after labor day... Unscrupulous twat.)

Come on, wasn't it Bill Clinton who, and I'll quote Melissa Etheridge here, “threw us under the bus with Don't Ask Don't Tell?” And wasn't it Hillary who didn't rebuke Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Peter Pace when he called homosexuality, “immoral,” until later pressed about it at the Logo gay rights debates?

Hillary's record simply does not show a decisive track over Barak Obama for supporting gay rights. Hell, neither of them even support gay marriage.

However, if you wanna get nit-picky... we can. On the Defense of Marriage Act, that thing that would re-write the constitution making it illegal to recognize gay marriage, ever. Obama supports a full repeal which, would allow over time lower courts in the judicial branch to legalize gay marriage in cities and states. While Clinton only supports a partial repeal that only effects the law on a federal level. (Those whom engage in nit-picking shall be nit-picked.)

And the hubbub last week with Mrs. Clinton doing an interview with Philadelphia Gay News and Mr. Obama not doing it, is completely laughable. It would be like either of the leading Democratic Presidential candidates doing or not doing and interview with Citypaper or Ugh News.

Look, we could nit-pick all day, but the fact is we have two very gay-friendly Democratic Presidential candidates and we should be excited. They might not go all the way with us, but hey, after a drink or two maybe they'll wanna spoon or something.

Plus, picking a candidate on one issue is whack. Pick a second issue, or a third, or fourth... Just don't pick a President that believes in creationism.

Written by Conrad, with some info from the Washington Post

Missing: Advertisers With A Sense Of Morality

2008-04-14T02:10:00.007-04:00

... Also Missing: Morals Not Based On What We've Learned From Advertising...

Fake 'missing' signs were put up around the city yesterday, taped to trees and lampposts. Missing signs that are usually put up by sad/helpless individuals holding on to their last hopes of finding missing relatives, or family pets, or even personal belongings. Were all out shined by the dozens of advertisements mocking their sensationalism.

The 'missing' signs were put up by advertisers to sell Zyrtec, a drug used by allergy suffers.

This leaves me wondering... Isn't the Mountain Dew "graffiti" ad at the end of my block enough, or the Sprint coffee sleeve at my coffee shop, or the fact that from my computer chair I can count, hold on... 8 trademarked logos without even moving my head? I guess not.

According to Adbusters, an average North American citizen will be advertised to over 5,000 a day. By now, you are a master at ignoring them. Thus pushing desperate advertisers scrambling to find the next thing that can catch your eyes.

Their pursuits are disgusting.

Alert Ugh To Scummy Advertisers Around The City...
Send photos and stories to UghNews@gmail.com

I wonder what all of these advertisements are doing to our brains... Seriously. Are they quietly shaping what we think? How we perceive and value things, ideas and people? Or even, how we act and interact with each other? Talk about, Ugh News...

Written by Conrad

UR So Gay

2008-04-12T00:53:00.006-04:00

... Did we mention how much we hate abbreviations in song lyrics?...

(Philebutarded About Celebrities: Girls with see-through purses can see through your gay bullshit... But also, they look like sluts when they are trying to look like they are having the MOST fun at the club... We can see through that bullshit Ms. Perry.)

In a world where making fun of girls is the norm, and hell, just plain fun... Katy Perry pulls the designer rug out from under the boys. Hope you can handle it fellas...

(Spoiler alert: If you're a guy, and read Ugh News, there is a good chance this song is about you.)

We'd also like to mention that this could have easily been a shitty song that no one cared about, however there's something about the melody and Katy's voice that are just kind of... haunting. Dare we say, Fionna Apple-esc... (We totally dared.)

Written by Conrad, Photos from Katy Perry's Flickr

Boo Hoo... My Pussy Hurts

2008-04-09T22:14:00.007-04:00

I think that both Joeys are fucking retarded...
Kiss already.

Your little slap fight sounds a lot like this little kid making arm pit farts...

Joey Conrad - you're a clueless hypocritical fuck wad.
Too Old For This Joey - you're a pompous cunt face.

I'm the best.
Look at me.
I rule at blogging.

<3>

Aging Blog Limps On

2008-04-09T05:09:00.004-04:00

... Philadelphia's hottest 'listings' site uses some left over words to form a thought... All the while quickly ceasing whatever edge they ever had...

“Dickhurt” doesn't even begin to describe how we felt when we were emailed the story posted about us on Tuesday... Felt more like a dick sucking. Don't worry though, we won't cum in your mouth, we promise.

And in response to Philebutards, Philebrity made a stunning observation. Get ready... blogs want attention, and can get it by making fun of bigger blogs. Thanks, Philebrity!

Thats right, Big Sweeney (founder of most blogs starting with Ph) took a minute from talking about his favorite bands and posting local news stories that he read on 6abc.com (with plenty of new adjectives of course) to actually write... something.

Wow, quite honestly we were surprised by how easy it was to wake the Blog Giant.

But seriously, it's kind of sad that Joey missed the boat on this one. As we see it here at Ugh News, we live in a singular world where everyone wants to be a celebrity and our culture is obsessed with the Self. Seems obvious that not only would people probably not mind being made fun of, but to highlight their photos out of the hundreds posted daily makes them even more famous, no matter what we say about them.

The best we can hope for is that people begin to take themselves less seriously, lighten up a bit and get out of that Self for a second.

That's when the cool part sets in, when people start to realize that it doesn't matter how tight your pants are, or if your hair gets frizzy today, or if you look a little pudgy in that one photo. And you can scroll down to an article about the real shit we need to be talking about... Genocides in Darfur, or Boycotting the Beijing Olympics, or how Comcast is probably committing the first Internet crimes by limiting service to certain web sites.

And the idea that the people we make fun of “can't fight back” is completely misrepresentative of what really happens. In fact, just hours after we posted the article, we were torn apart for how mean and, “pot-calling-kettle” like, we were, all by regular people. The idea that only Big Blog Giants like Sweeney have voices is exactly the outdated and antiquated thinking that looms over Philebrity.

So, what exactly is Papa Joey worried about?

Remember when you we're younger and MTV was really cool? And then there was VH1 too, and you would always kinda flip by VH1 when MTV was running commercials, but there was never anything good on, so you would just flip back to MTV.
Well, Philebrity = VH1, not to say that we're MTV, but... yeah, maybe we're a young MTV.

Look Mr. Sweeney, if you can't see the comeuppance of an interesting, edgy, educated, young blog past your beer belly... maybe you should sit down.

Written by Conrad Benner

Interesting side point: “Cut” isn't exactly the best way to say that I stopped sending you articles. And, where's “Talkin' Shit” now? Kind of got boring after I left, huh.

... U mad Philebrity? Dare you to write about this one.

Torch Heads To San Fransisco

2008-04-09T02:53:00.003-04:00

In Related News: Hasbro reports record sales of Super Soakers in Northern California...

After disruptive pro-Tibetan protest in London and Paris over the past two days, the Olympic torch lands in San Fransisco. Um, ew...

And as it travels the world the torch is consistently and aggressively interrupted by activist... Altogether unable to finish it's marathon in Paris... And at one or more points was even extinguished... For many this torch represents genocide, and a chance to send a very clear message to China.

(Um... We're all about the activism, but jumping on a girl in a wheelchair... seems low... even for us.)

Look out for huge protests in San Fransisco today... Keep an eye open for blog reports of aggressive/oppressive police actions that might not make the main stream 6 O'clock news... And be sure to check out important local activist groups around Philly, such as, Shut The Duck Up.

Written by Conrad Benner

Related Story: Boycott Beijing

Bear Panic In Subway

2008-04-09T01:17:00.005-04:00

... J/K, unlike our local news, we're not going to use scare tactics to keep you out of the subway... Although, seriously, I'm not going down there...

Subway Bear makes street art cute again! First capturing our hearts when we saw him on Wooster Collective. Subway Bear reminds us that ugly graffiti isn't the only way to make a statement on the streets.

Watch artist Joshua Allen Harris' video to see Subway Bear in all his glorious cuteness...

Written by Conrad Benner, Photos from Wooster Collective

P.s. Congratulations, if you thought, “that's what she said,” at the second sentence of this post, you may have just found you're new favorite podcast.

Philebutards Beware

2008-04-02T02:59:00.010-04:00

...As a blog, we here at Ugh News have often hinted or alluded to a cretin type of person, with the overwhelming assumption that we were all on the same page. While never actually pointing any... well, let's say phingers...

Yeah, that shit's over.

(Thumbs up in drunk photograph = "I have been with less then two women, and she/he is one of them.")

With an alarming influx of flaccid nightlife photog blogs, comes an equally yawn-inducing influx of people, whom we here at Ugh News are coming to call,“Philebutards.” (Aka people whom live in Philly, think they are well known, act as such at bars and DJ nights, then loom in front of the nearest photog awaiting their newest default photo.) And we plan to bring them to social justice.

If you are obnoxious enough to be one of these people, beware. You will be made fun of... (Unless, that is of course... you don't alway look like you just biked from South Philly, are a good dancer, or if you dress cute, or if we like your hair/shoes/or nails, or if you're our friend.) Yeah, so watch out bitches.

And because it's pretty obvious who we are alluding to, let's begin with Philebrity, and their photog's sister or girlfriend or something...

(Yet another example of how American Apparel has style fucked our generation. Hoodies at bars = insecure girls looking for an easy out, and girls who look like they've biked from South Philly everywhere.)

While there were some cuties...

(Cute foursome who look over 30; Cute bathroom; Cute everything.)

We were really surprised by the amount of photos of that same girl. (Is she in a band or something?) Whatever, she has good skin, but seriously, either Phiberity's new photog shoots from a very heavy tripod in the conner of bars or they've thrown in the towel choosing to view their only competition as DigPhilly.com (Which we think they might have done.)

(DigPhilly.com photos = Us one step closer to becoming Ugh News Portland.)

Either way, let's thank them for helping us create our (already) new favorite word/new Ugh News series: Philebutards

Written by Conrad Benner, Photos from... um, were you reading the article?

Boycott Beijing

2008-03-31T05:54:00.013-04:00

... because it's the American thing to do... Kinda.

Trillions of dollars are being spent on a war that, as of recently, has been sold as an Iraqi liberation war. So... We're America, we do the right thing. When we see injustice, we inject diplomacy. When injustice persists, we persist. So...

How can we spend two (or more) full generations of tax dollars on a war for liberation in one country, then stumble to recognize a real chance to supply political pressure to a country that is sponsoring the genocides in Darfur and the oppression of Tibet?

(Photos from the recent riots in Tibet)

You don't have to be a political expert to see the flaw in our American ideals there. Or to see that China is wildly committing human rights crimes. And that this couldn't be a more perfect opportunity for the “free” world to say no to China and no to oppression.

Think about that word, liberation... Who really needs it?... Who has it?

Well, about two weeks after the riots in Lhasa that reminded the world of China's crimes... the Beijing Olympics unofficially started. Lighting the Olympic torch in Tiananmen Square today (yeah, that Tiananmen Square) to begin it's 20 day journey around the world.

Dozens of protest are expected, the torch only coming to America once to San Fransisco where of course, huge protest are planned. Ugh...

First came lead in Barbie dolls, now lead in millions of human beings, when did America stop doing the right thing?... or was it always about money? Double Ugh...

For more info check out, freetibet.org

Ugh News Update (4/2/08):
Does Nancy Pelosi read Ugh News?!? (We totally think so.)
Today she jumped on the boycott bandwagon... and pleads for U.S. officials, like President Bush, to sit out the opening and closing ceremonies.

We fucking LOVE Madame Speaker Pelosi!!!

Ugh News Update II (4/3/08):
There is some fantastic incite from a political science major who specializes in Asian history in the comments section... These are exactly the kinds of conversations Ugh News was created to explore. Check it out!

Written by Conrad Benner, Photos from saledargento and Tibetanstar

How U Know: You're 'Friends' With Too Many DJs On MySpace

2008-03-26T03:03:00.006-04:00

... We have a feeling this might take us off some "lists," if we were ever on any...

#7. You laughed-out-loud, literally, when you read that headline.

#6. You're constantly missing your friend's funny cats YouTube bulletins. (Which, are usually actually pretty funny, despite their predictable-ness.) To see the same bulletin, inviting you to the same bar you always go to, posted 8 times in a row.

#5. You're starting to believe that TONIGHT is spelled TONITE and sometimes 2NITE.

#4. You're not even sure what “listings” are for, you always know what's going on... ALWAYS.

#3. You've trained yourself to only read bulletins THAT DON'T /// LOOK LIKE + THIS !!! @ EVER !!!

#2. You get excited to see a friend has left you a “new comment.” You think to yourself, oh, maybe it's a hilarious joke you shared with your good friend last night, and she's posted an equally hilarious reminder... Oh, wait, it's just DJ 'Shit Yo Pants' inviting you to his new Techno Rave 90's Flashback night at Level Club. Bummer. You'll probably go, but you wish a real person would comment you sometimes. :.(

#1. Finally... You just quit your shit and joined Facebook.

Written by Conrad Benner

Is McCain Turning Pennsylvania Red?

2008-03-24T03:58:00.011-04:00

... Um... Is it just me, or, was he kind of hot when he was young...

The Answer: Yes, He Is... Maybe...

As infuriating as it is for me to write that headline, and it is, the latest polls suggest that the fight for PA will far outlast the Obama/Clinton squabble for the Democratic nomination. Thrusting our state into the national spotlight again this coming fall for the general election where the numbers are red hot. And I am too.

Still fussing over Obama vs. Clinton? Well stop... It's Obama stupid. And that's not just my (proudly basis) opinion, data from the latest Rasmussen Report gives Clinton only a 19.9% chance of being able to clinch the nomination... or Bill's balls... sorry, I had to go there. (Which, incidentally, is probably the same percent chance that you'll continue reading this article if your a Hillary supporter.)

Even more alarming however is when the Report specifically talks about PA in the general election, where right now McCain is polling at 44% to Obama's 43%. Yikes.

The point is... it's still way early. I think McCain is polling favorably because both Clinton and Obama are receiving huge amounts of negative press while McCain is pretty much laying low. Also, Danity Cane just released a new album, so there might have been some confusion with the polling there. Either way, this seems all the more reason for the Democratic party to pick someone already! Or, more honestly, for Hillary to step down.

Hey, maybe Nancy Pelosi will run in 2016 and we can have our first African-American President followed by our first woman!

(P.s. The color of this article was not a mistake... We're Staying Blue.)

Ugh News Update:

Hilarious Onion News "Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 08 Election"

Written by Conrad Benner

Yael Naim PWND Toxic

2008-03-23T02:51:00.004-04:00

... and I'm not going to lie, I had to use Urban Dictionary to double-make-sure PWND meant what I thought it did.

Probably better known as 'that girl who sings that song in that Macbook Air commercial'; Yael Naim takes Britney Spears' Toxic and flexes it into a pretty powerful vocal.

By the way 'that song,' the one Yael sings in the the Mac commercial is called “New Soul.” And it helped launch Ms. Naim into the first Israeli solo artist to have a Top 10 hit in the U.S. (or at least that's what I heard on NPR's Day to Day.)

“It started as a joke,” she continued in the Day to Day interview. However, it ended up something a little more serious. Which is funny because that's kind of the flip/reverse of Spears' career. Which started something a little more serious but is now a joke.

Here's the video...

Written by Conrad Benner

I Can Teach You How To Do It

2008-03-19T03:44:00.008-04:00

No words needed... One of my favorite blogs... One of my favorite cities... It's all about the photos...

Meet GeeJ, Barcelona, and icanteachyouhowtodoit.com...

Conrad: Hey GeeJ, could you please explain to my people what it is you do...

Gerard: Well, My name is Gerard Estadella, also known as GeeJ. DJ and Photographer media hyped as the "Spanish Cobrasnake," thanks to my webpage icanteachyouhowtodoit.com.

I also work as a freelance PR and fashion photographer for lots of Spanish and overseas magazines.

C: Ok, tell us about your site, how'd you get into it?

G: I started 4 years ago when I decided to start my own blog. In which I explained my day-by-day life and put some pictures I took with my shitty digital camera to get a better idea of what I was trying to explain. It started just as a blog for my friends who wanted to know where I was and how I was doing because back then I used to DJ a lot around Spain and had my own electroclash band and we were touring the country every now and then.

One day, after 1 month without updating it, I had too many photos and no time to write at all so I decided to just upload the photos... What was my surprise when I saw that the website counter jumped heavily and unexpectedly. That's when I decided to just upload photos.

After a while and when blogspot was not big enough for me and also when I bought my new reflex camera I decided to make it a dot-com website. That was probably a year and a half ago.. and since then every thing's just been crazy.

C: What makes the night life in Barcelona so great?

G: I love that my people are in it. I have friends who are promoters, club owners, performers, DJs... It's all like a small family where we all know each other. Also Barcelona has a big indie-underground thing going on. If you know how to avoid the house music venues you can easily get yourself in some pure roc, electro noise venue which you'll love it.

Also Barcelona is a very open minded city and every single non-gay club has a mixed audience and that makes things even more interesting. We're a unique European flavored city next to the sea that reflects on the people who live here, visit the city or just moved from around the world to live here.

C: Since I've been checking out your site I've noticed how much it is updated and how the photos and style never suffer. First of all, you must live with a camera strapped to you, right? And secondly, what's your "motivation"?

G: Yeah, I do live with my camera as my third hand... but I'm used to it now and I really like it.

My motivation has always and will always be learning. Everyday you learn new things and in that case about photography, lights and stuff like that. I really enjoy what I do and right now what I've accomplished with it really makes it worth it.

C: Your creating a sort of celebrity culture, shooting the same dozen or so kids a every party and in your photo shoots. Are these just your friends or the kids who go out the most or what?

G: The people who are flashed by me are usually my gang. I wouldn't say it's an entourage but some kids will definitely love to be called like that. I take photos of what surrounds me and the people in it. That's why some people are almost in every update of the week. I try to take photos of foreign and unknown people, just because it makes it more interesting for the audience of the website. But some days I don't feel that social myself and just go for "my" people. And I'm aware that people all around the world are starting to know them. There's even forums in the Vogue.com page talking about some of them... It's just so random that me, and anyone in my position, is able to create i-celebrities out of nothing. I'm starting to get phone calls of production companies because they want some specific person that they saw on my page to be featured in a TV ad, magazine fashion editorial or campaign.... soooo scary.

C: Soooo... What are you teaching us to do?

G: Nothing, absolutely nothing. the name is random picked with no second intention in it...

I get loads of e-mails of haters, saying "what can you teach me, huh?" I'll just say.. If you like the page and the photos, go check it out and enjoy them... If you don't... There's billions of other websites to go... Just don't bother me.

C: Have a good Barcelona story?

G: Hmmm ... The latest unexpected thing was when in carnival, (a Halloween kind of holiday that we have here,) I got in a bus to go downtown. There was 2 girls dressed up as Cory Kennedy and Kate Moss... not that you could tell by their looks, but they were loud enough to let everyone know they were having fun and what they were dressed as. The thing is that I entered sat down 2 rows behind them and just listened to what they said. One of them was calling her friends to let them know the plans for that night and the conversation went as follows:

"oh, yeah, I'm Kate, she's Cory Kennedy, you're gonna be Nicole Richie and your friends will be Paris and Lindsay... I think we should call the boys so one of them dresses up as The Cobrasnake or the icanteachyouhowtodoit"

uh-mazing.

C: What's next for the site? Maybe traveling to other cities, maybe Philadelphia?

G: Right now I'm trying to get an official sponsor for it. I don't wanna put banners in the site.. It's independent and banners take out all the credibility of it. It's pop-up free, easy to surf and "what you see is what you get". When I get that my intention is to start traveling around... the States, Europe and hopefully Asia... So... when in the states, I'll try to make it to Philly ;)

Interview by Conrad Benner

American Commerce Center

2008-03-17T22:23:00.007-04:00

Oh snap... Just as the finishing touches are being put on the Comcast Center, to sit indefinitely as the king of the Philly skyline, Blam... an international skyscraper orgasm, skeet skeet skeeted all over Philadelphia and Supermaned that ho' (aka, queen in waiting... Comcast.)

The story, broke by Phillyskyline.com, has been the focus of a media whirlwind since reports surfaced late last week of it's enormous size and possible impact for the city. Supported by almost everyone, including Mayor Nutter, it seems the tower represents the huge excitement and kinetic energy pulsing threw Philly these days... I don't know, I just think it's cool.

The details are boring, most details are, but essentially it's a very, very serious proposal. And when completed would be one of the tallest buildings in the world, taller than New York's Empire State Building and Chicago's Sears' Tower... Damn... Although, to be fair, both of those cities have “super skyscrapers” under construction now. ACC Tower would most likely be 3^rd tallest in the country and somewhere near the top 10 in the world by it's planned completion in 2012.

That's (not-so) Comcastic! This kind of seems like a little bit of karma for the monopolizing mega-company that offers shitty service and charges way, way too much for cable. Huh.

“This changes everything,” says the tower's official website. I hope so... Go ACC Tower!

Written by Conrad Benner

Santi White is Santogold

2008-03-17T19:59:00.005-04:00

... And I'm a big ass fan.

Pegged as New York's M.I.A., this lady is a hot tranny mess (... I think that's a good thing, I'm not completely used to the new gay-blog lingo) of good music, good style and good press. Santogold's soulful funky mix of non-shitty music and already massive hipster following means you probably won't be able to leave one DJ night this summer without dancing to at least a few of her anthems.

Side Point: I tried to explain to my mom today what a “hipster” was... (Seeing as how only moms, magazine editors, and Philberity still use the word.) That, in NYC they are people whom generally live in Brooklyn, whom weigh between 98 and 117lbs, whom wear ironically nostalgic clothing one size too small or one size too big and whom when they have sex with you, leave you a minimum of a 2 hour train ride back to Manhattan. And that in Philadelphia, they are people whom ride their bikes places, whom eat WaWa cheese hoagies and whom attend either a Thursday at Silk City or one night at the Barbary, each week... My mom is understandably still a little confused, she asked, “so are you a hipster?” “No mom... I take cabs.”

Point is, I love her, I think you will too. Here's her video for L.E.S. Artistes...

Ugh News Update:
We tried to contact Ms. Gold for an interview regarding this story, but as we are not yet a fully respected news outlet or actually any kind of respected outlet at all. And in fact a blog that gets updated about as much as a Sal's DJ's playlist... we we're unable to get a response. Lady Santi... are you reading this??

Written by Conrad Benner

Long time no post...

2007-12-10T23:46:00.000-05:00

Busting Philadelphia's Myths

2007-12-05T06:30:00.000-05:00

We live in a city of old myths, storied legends and sharp, sometimes unfair criticisms. Ugh is here to debunk or re-bunk those criticisms, legends and myths alike.

Myth #1: WiFi Philly

Classic myth. Earthlink says all of Philadelphia is now covered with the exception of the far Northeast and West.. coulda fooled me. I live in Center City, bought the thing for $6, and have no connectivity. Is this happening to anyone else? Apparently...

Myth #2: Short Sidewalks

It's been a long-lived notion that Philadelphia has short, or narrow, sidewalks due simply to it's history. Planned for in 1682 by William Penn and Joey Sweeney. Well before the inventions of things like cars, parking for cars, and outdoor café-style seating to hog up all the room.

Well, this is simply a myth. Philadelphia has short sidewalks for three very specific, very thought out reasons, all of which have the unfortunate side affect of pissing me off.

Reason 1. To let women with grocery bags in both hands feel nonchalant about not moving an inch to either side side of the sidewalk when you are trying to walk past them. Often leaving you stopped altogether between a tree and a fire hydrant waiting for the bitch to hurry up. Men on the other hand generally do move a little.

Reason 2. To make avoiding that mistake-of-a-one-night-stand you see walking around every now and then nearly impossible. And almost always extremely awkward and short.

“Hey,”

“Yeah,”

“How are you do...”

“Good, good and yo...”

“Great, I'm on my way to...”

“Oh cool, I won't hold you up th...”

“Awesome, see ya.”

“Yeah.”

Reason 3. And finally, to make groups of threes walking down South Street forget that a group of three takes up the entire walkway. Leaving an on comer paralyzed with confusion and rage, trying to nudge between two of them in an effort to make a point.

“Don't you know about sidewalk etiquette mother fuckers?”

But of course two on them are laughing about how cute they think the Jonas Brothers are, and the other is texting, and none notice how entirely useless they are being.

More myth busting to come. Stay Tuned.

Written by Conrad Benner

World War 3 Narrowly Avoided, Bush Upset

2007-12-05T04:27:00.000-05:00

For months now Georgy and his boys have been building a case for war in Iran. Drilling us with the threat of Iranian nuclear weapons. (Weapons of mass destruction as it were.) On and on the administration droned,

"We must take serious action against this great threat."

The rhetoric towards the Iranian government reach an awkward and fevered pitch this past October when Bush freudianly let out his WW3 plan. Scratch that, I'm sure he means worst case scenario.

It was feeling like Iraq all over again. Jesus, I'd bet you most Americas think Iran and Iraq are the same country and wouldn't even know we'd have started a whole 'nother one.

Well didn't things get interesting when the information was leaked this week that not only has Iran NOT been doing shit with nuclear anythings. But that their nuclear plant had been shut down for over 4 years.

Our administration and our intelligence knew all about it, but continued to hold the information from us, the people. AKA they lied. To try to get us into another war. Like they lied, to get us in our current wars.

But I'm just me, opinionated as shit. For a little more "objective" coverage check out Politico.com, my new favorite political site! And I promise you completely non-boring.

Written by Conrad Benner

Gutter Fairy Vintage

2007-11-29T07:36:00.000-05:00

Meet Jacci Stallone... One of my friends, one of the best dressers I know and the owner of Gutter Fairy Vintage.

Conrad: How did Gutter Fairy start?

Jacci: It officially started about 2 years ago. Another Ebay vintage store added me through myspace, and I was just like why did I not think of that first? I used to have my ex-boyfriend take pictures of me modeling the clothes, which usually ended up in a big fight, so it got out to a rather slow start. Also, I originally thought it would be a lot easier than it is. There is a lot of work behind having an ebay store and its difficult if you're also working a full time job and doing a lot of partying. I do have some help now from my beautiful models Alexis, and Kate. Hopefully soon I will also be working with local photographers such as Vincent from Stay Local, Paul from Philthy.us, and my friend Isaac from uhhhh West Philly, to make the shoots more professional looking. Now that I am a grown ass woman of 24, I feel I need to simmer down a little and be more serious about all of this.

C: Where do you find the clothes? (without giving any of your secrets away.) How many things are you selling right now?

J: I can't tell you where I shop, but I find all my clothes at thrift/secondhand stores for the most part. Also, many are from my own closet...things that I have worn once and can not be seen in again. Other items have been donated by friends. As they say, one man's junk is another man's treasure...right? I try to put up about 20 new items at a time. Hopefully soon I will become incredibly consistent with this and do it once a week. Like clockwork.

C: How would you describe your personal style and how does that effect what you sell? (For example, do you only sell stuff you'd wear?)

J: I don't really think I can describe my style. I feel like people try to label it a lot, or tell me "oh you look like ______(insert any famous female with black hair or bangs)"...most of the time I look nothing like these people. I wear whatever suits the mood I'm in, and this definitely changes A LOT. As for what I sell, I definitely gravitate towards things that I would wear, but then again, I would wear almost anything as long as I can make it work. I do try to cater to all different styles. For example I'm not too boho myself, but I know girls are going crazy for those poncho sweater capes, so finding them is like finding gold. I love to find gold.

C: Any plans to open a shop?

J: I would love to one day have my own shop. That has always been my true dream. I'm not really in a position to do that right now, but maybe one day.

C: What are a couple of your favorite items you're selling right now and why?

J: Hmm right now...well I'm always partial to biker style leather jackets, and there is one for sale right now. Also I like that tan quilted bomber jacket. It's so retro and 70's. But that red dashiki is my favorite. I love dashikis and would probably be happy wearing one everyday for some reason. I'll wear them with bamboo hoop earrings, I don't give a fuck! Oh and that little suitcase?! It says Cairo on one side, and Linda on the other side and is hand painted. So weird. Anyone named Linda out there? This purse got your name on it yo! Literally.

C: If you went shopping in Philly tomorrow what would be the first 3 shops your hit up?

J: Well seeing as I pretty much only shop at thrift stores (for Gutter Fairy and for myself), I will not reveal what they are because I am a very selfish person. Haha. I feel that style and shopping in Philly is very limited. Even more so in the recent years. South St. isn't even worth walking down, but I would stop at Retrospect. I always find something there. Hmmm and then I would probably go to Sweet Jane Vintage (which isn't even open yet), but my friend Jen is the owner and we have the same views when it comes to fashion, music, etc. so I know I would definitely not walk out empty handed. My third choice would be the beauty supply store on 7th and Chestnut. They have everything! You can buy huge cheap earrings, a new weave, crazy tights, and a du rag all at once!!!

C: Ok, let's play a game. I'll name some fashion trends I've seen in Philly. I'll say what I think about them and you, as the expert, give us your opinion too.

1. Those long tees that have big words on them like 'CAN'T STOP, WON'T STOP?'

Conrad: I still like these. Although I tried one on at Urban once and it fit me weird.
Jacci: I don't hate on these...The only reason I wouldn't wear one is for the fear of running into someone else wearing the same thing. That is one of my worst fears, besides getting tangled up in a blind man's cane on the street, and eating rice.

2. High wasted pants?

Conrad: Love them. I have a pair that was apart of my Halloween 'Sunny and Cher' costume that I like so much I gonna start wearing out.
Jacci: Yes you looked cute in those pants. I want a high waisted pair of bell bottoms real bad. Kyle helped me the perfect pair of vintage Wrangler bell bottoms at Retrospect, but when I got them home I couldn't even fit them over my huge ass. So sad. Maybe you will see them on Gutter Fairy soon, if anyone's small enough to fit into them!

3. Girls in boot cut pants and high heels?

Conrad: I hate this so much. It reminds me of being on a boat... like a navy boat or something.
Jacci: The only good thing about this look is...nothing. It reminds me vomiting chocolate rain...and not in a good way.

Check out Gutter Fairy Vintage's Ebay store or add on Myspace.

Written by Conrad Benner, Photos by Jacci Stallone

Republicans Act Sooo Republicany

2007-11-29T05:49:00.000-05:00

While the majority of the You Tube Republican debates held yesterday were a match in who was more well, Republicany...

For example: Who would get the closest to supporting torture without having to call it torture? Who would pass the most legislation to fuck over immigrates? Who believes every word in the holy bible (literally a question asked and then answered seriously at a presidential debate)? Who is more willing to punish women if they get an abortion, “when” Roe v. Wade is overturned?

Oh and of course, who is going to advertise smaller government, safety and conservatism, while actually legislating away more and more of our freedoms. Scarring us with “terrorism” to continue broad, unending and unfair wars around the world. And push consumption of non-renewable resources all while ignoring environmental and human needs... and I'm talking about the Dems too... Ugh.

As you can tell, I might be a little over the whole “America” thing right now. I need a soy latte and a hug... Anyone?

Where was I... yes, while most of the debates were very typical. There were some kinda interesting questions.

Ron Paul: actually vaguely cool.

In a plot startlingly similar to George Orwell's 1984, a You Tuber confronts Ron Paul about his conspiracy theories concerning the movement to create a North American Union, combining the American, Canadian and Mexican governments.

Gay people: too icky to serve.

In this question the candidates are asked if they think gays and lesbians should be allowed to serve in the military. It's interesting to see how many of our future wanna be presidents openly endorse inequality and would legislate discrimination.

African Americans: just don't vote for them.

Here Giuliani equates getting the black vote immediately with welfare. Haha... Dumb ass. And you wonder why African Americans don't vote Republican.

Well, either way you look at it I encourage you to watch the whole debate. One of these men will be running for the White House soon enough and god knows he will not be talking like this when he wants to get our votes.

Written by Conrad Benner

The Real Rye Rye

2007-11-27T13:51:00.000-05:00

If you haven't heard about Rye Rye yet, don't feel too bad. With people like DJ Blaqstarr, Diplo and M.I.A. backing her, you're sure to know her soon enough. From the dance scene in Baltimore to a world tour, Rye Rye is seriously talent. Check it out...

The Interview

Conrad: I fucking love "Shake it to the ground", How'd you come up with that track?

Rye Rye: Well the track came about because I had did my first song in the studio and in the lyrics I said "imma shake it to the ground, bring it back up, twirl it all around, yea u know what's up" lol which from then blaqstarr took that bit and we just made it out of another song "shake it to the ground", so there it was a good chorus and only thing that was left were the 3 verses which I eventually wrote and recorded. So that's how I came up with the club bangin track. Thanks for fuckin loving that track, it's amazing!!!!

C: What's the scene like in Baltimore? What are some of your favorite places?

R: The scene in Baltimore is crazy. I mean its like other places u know different scenes all around. It is hood basically in some areas, some areas beautiful with just crazy ass people lol, but dancing has become a major part of Baltimore now. We got the boys dancing crazy legging all over the place u know, girls doing them just mad crazy. Some of my favorite spots are the clubs. I haven't been lately but I use 2 be in love with it. Always crazy, always breakin out into fights ruining shit hahahahaha, Club Paradox is the best and another favorite spot is my hood....Chapel Hill, where I grew up and raised around the dopest boys! Lol big brother figures.......

C: Have you been to Philly much? What do you think about our city?

R: I've actually been to Philly one time for a show. I mean the party was crazy. I was amazed at a lot of the dancing and things because I couldn't believe everyone danced the whole entire night, it was very fun and I enjoyed it. But I am going to be doing another show there on Dec. 1 with M.I.A. and I plan on going there to visit some friends of mine.

C: Who are you working with on the album?

R: On the album, I plan on working with DJ Blaqstarr, M.I.A., Afrikan Boy, Diplo, and many other upcoming artists! I would love to work with Mario because he is straight out of Baltimore and I think me and him should collab and just do a lil sumthin sumthin!

C: You're in the middle of a US and UK tour opening for M.I.A., What are you most excited about?

Well I am most excited about being able to perform and show my skills off in another part of the world. I am also excited about the experiences that I might come across. I heard they had some good shopping stores and the clothes are amazing lol!

What's your Ugh-pinion on...

C: The music industry?

R: My opinion as far as music is that it is becoming a takeover on the world. Here it is everyone wants to be a singer, rapper, everything lol but it's cool, I just wish that it was an easier way for people to become apart of the industry. It is sooooo many people out here who is talented and just can't show themselves off to the world. Back in Baltimore there is some haterz along the way, I mean people that work at radio stations, don't give others a chance to let their music be heard, and only promote u if u are their artist hahahaha lol, most people know who that person is! I also believe that me and Chris Brown should be together and just live hahahahaha just kidding!

C: Jordin Sparks whack new "Tattoo" song?

R: I never heard it truthfully! But I think she has an amazing voice. I Never heard any of her songs yet. LOL!

C: B-more crabcakes vs. Philly cheese steaks?

R: Philly cheese steaks be bangin! I would eat it before I eat a crabcake, haven't had any in awhile sooooo I don't really care lol! But I love eating Cheese Steaks at night when my mom go and get them from Mama Mia's.( store in Baltimore)

C: Hillary or Obama?

R: Well it is kinda hard, hmmmm...... I have to find out more about them! Whichever one that would stop the bombing in other countries and help them out.....

C: Thanks again Rye Rye for your time. We love you already. And we'll see you Dec. 1 in Philly.

R: U r very welcome, hope everyone enjoy the show in Philly because it is going to be a dope show, and M.I.A is the best sooooooo please come out!

Check out Rye Rye and DJ Blaqstarr's 'Shake it' video below. For show listings go to her Myspace Here.

Written by Conrad Benner, Photos by Rye Rye

JHN RDN and The Barbary

2007-11-25T20:00:00.000-05:00

If you've lived in Philly the past couple of weeks you know.. The Barbary is open. And if you've been to Barbary in the past couple of weeks you know.. It's the most exciting new venue in town. John Redden, who bought the bar this past summer, has been renovating it 'till it's opening earlier this month, sits down with Ugh to chat.

The Interview

Conrad: So John, what's the new Barbary like?

John: It's a DIY-oriented club for DJ's and bands. Great dance floor, cheap drinks, amazing sound, no bullshit.

C: It's all about who you know. The following DJ nights are planned to relocate to the Barbary.. White Tees & White Belts, Intensified, Broadzilla, Click, and The Turnaround. Can you even do that? (No, seriously where do I buy my season pass?) How'd you get all these nights to move? Anything else moving?

J: You forgot about Sorted, which I'm pretty sure is the longest running party in Philly. It was one of the best monthlies the old Silk City ever had... anyway... it's pretty simple, actually. It's all about giving DJ's/promoters everything they could possibly want from a venue. Each party at The Barbary is a team effort. I work with the DJs/promoters to come up with the best game plan to make their party successful. On top of that, I take everyone's overall feedback on the venue in order to make the place better.

Pretty much every big monthly party in the city is moving. Some I can't mention because the party hasn't technically left their current venue. There's tons of new parties as well. Spankrock is doing a weekly Monday with DJ friends and artists. We're doing a monthly iPod battle... like a legit one.. YouTube it.. amazing. Ian Saint Laurent is doing a monthly hip-hop party with Brendan Bring'em which will be insane. Super Todd Bros and Oh Murder Inc are teaming up with Strawberry Mansion and doing first Thursdays. We have a 60's electronic burlesque monthly. There's a pretty big house monthly in the works. There's tons of other parties that will start in '08 as well.

C: You've been in the Philly scene for a minute now. What do you like to see when your out? What do you hate to see?

J: I like to see it when people lose themselves in the moment. Whether it's seeing a band, dancing, or an amazing conversation... for a split second, not even knowing or caring about anything else but what is happening at that exact time.

There isn't really anything I hate to see. Everything, good or bad, has it's purpose. I try not to take nightlife that seriously.

C:I remember about 3 summers ago going to Silk City (the dirrrty Silk, before the makeover) to go to Socket (John's old DJ night for new heads). It was when I first moved here (aka, moved outta my momma's in Fishtown) and in so many words.. it was the shit. How do you bring Socket's spirit to the Bary?

J: Great question. Yeah, that party was really really fun.... It's kind of like having an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend that you were never able to get over. You constantly want to relive that period of time where everything seemed perfect. However, you can never recreate that same exact feeling. But... I think with socket it's different. That party was unique because it was the only party where a brother and sister could DJ and bartend (with DJ Deejay) and basically be in charge of everything. It was super DIY for a night at a bar... and when Silk closed, there wasn't a single venue in the city that would allow us to take over like that. But now that I own The Barbary, it makes perfect sense to bring it back. We rotate playing music and serving drinks to everyone... it has a very positive vibe.

C: Is it too soon to call it the BRBRY?

J: Haha good one. Nah, the name will stay the same.

C: Anything fun coming up? Will we ever see Crescendolls again?

J: Yeah. The Barbary will totally blow up in December. That's when most of the parties kick in. In the meantime, here's some dates for the rest of November to hold you over...

11.27.07 Get Smart - 60's garage/psych rock w/ DJs Noah and Ashley
11.29.07 The Zoo - indie/electro/hiphop with Scottytoodope, Diamond Girl, and special guest...me.
12.01.07 the return of Sorted!

As for Crescendolls, we'll see. I'm focusing on getting everyone else's monthlies off the ground first.

C: John, have a fun Philly Story?

J: One time about 4 years ago, I was leaving an after-hours club and a girl asked me for a ride on my motorcycle... I obliged and we were on our way... She immediately starts kissing me all over my neck and starts trying to give me a hand job while I'm trying to pay attention and ride.. She's saying all kinds of nasty things, and I turn around to look and at her, and voila! She's missing a front tooth. I literally scream at the top of my lungs, pulled over, hailed her a cab, and went home as fast as I could. I proceeded to go on the wagon for about a month. The end.

C: Would Britney get a free drink at the Barbary?

J: Nope. Only DJs and band members get those.

(Ugh visits Barbary photo booth: This time it's like John is saying, fuck you take your own picture.)

Check out The Barbary's Myspace for current party updates.

Written by Conrad Benner, Photos by Louisa Engle

Gay Marriage at City Hall

2007-11-25T04:16:00.000-05:00

Saturday Mayor John Street presided over his first ever gay marriage ceremony at city hall. (And by 'preside over' I of course mean stand in a corner and try and not to get his photo taken.)

Unfortunately not a legal one, same sex unions are still illegal in the state of Pennsylvania. The event was seen as more of a favor to a friend. Although Street was pretty "cool" about it saying "[I] believe people have the right to have their relationships." ... WTF does that mean?!? That's like one step away from saying "I do not support gay marriage faggots." Gay.

The couple, Ryan Bunch and Micah Mahjoubian (above) are about as hot as the temperature they share a screen with and seemed to look on the bright side of things, saying "As head of the city of Philadelphia, he lends legitimacy to what we've done today and that was important for us to do that in front of our friends and family."

Well, congratulations boys on the... same thing you were before. I hope one of you doesn't have to visit the other in a hospital soon... 'cause they don't let you do that.

Eh, I guess it's baby steps to equality.

And in case you've lost count: Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Connecticut, Massachusetts, California, Washington, Oregon, Hawaii and of course New Jersey all offer same sex couples the same rights as opposite sex couples. It's just common sense.

Written by Conrad Benner, Some stuff from NBC10

Man Man Live in Rittenhouse Square

2007-11-22T03:35:00.000-05:00

Today was so nice and fine it reminded us of summer, the park, and oh, this totally rare and awesome performance in Rittenhouse by MAN MAN.

Video/Editing by Patrick Hickey

Get Green or Get Raped?

2007-11-22T03:22:00.000-05:00

Seems like everything is "green" these days... hybrid cars, supermarkets, clothing, even publications from Vanity Fair to the South Philly Review devote entire issues to the green theme. Although they often happen in different months... weird. You'd think all the green issues of magazines would come out the same month as earth day or something. Maybe Al Gore's b-day month would be more contemporary. Either way it's now ultra trendy to be green, therefore even more trendy to make fun of that trend. Like when hipster kids make fun of other hipster kids because their too hipster. Following me?

Hilarious Funny or Die parody of “green” people,

And sticking with the green theme, remember 2 Girls 1 Cup. That was kinda a nod to conservation and recycling... Yeah. It was also wicked gross. Here’s a funny John Mayer parody, 2 Guys 1 Cup,

Written by Conrad Benner

Ugh News: The Update

2007-11-22T01:40:00.000-05:00

Hey Bitches, and that's with a capitol B, 'cause I like you.

I know we haven't seen much of each other lately... And I know it's mostly my fault. Hell, it's probably all my fault. You've been nothing but an angel to me from the start. I know... I know, I've been a pretty crappy BF these past 2 weeks ('blog friend'.) It's just that things got so hot, so heavy, and so confusing, so quickly. I was barely ready for it all.

One minute it's just the two of us talking about how Britney fucked up the VMA's, next minute we got the whole town in our pockets, sippin' on the finest City Specials this side of Broad, interviewing bands I've never even heard of, even had Philebrity toss our name around. That's how cool we were kitten face.

And you know how I am with change and commitment. Jesus I didn't even pick an official all time fav Spice Girls song till 2 months ago and now their all back together and shit making new ones. I'm a hurt man, that's all I'm sayin'.

We became different people too, don't try and pretend otherwise. You were all talking about settling down, buying a real domain name, "getting out of this shit hole" as you explained it to me. Even talkin' about poppin' out a few advertisers. I wasn't ready for all that. All I wanted to do was live my life, street. Go out all night, sleep all day, get some food somewhere in the middle, do it all over again the next night. Maybe throw in an update every now and then to make you happy. I'm from Fishtown baby, that's just the way I was raised.

It didn't even really hit me... you know, that I wanted... no scratch that, needed you, till... till Kanye's mom died in that plastic surgery. It like woke me up and shit, you know? Like what if they found out me or you had plastic in us, and they had to remove it but one of us died and we could never talk again. That'd be fucked up. Real fucked up.

Now I'm not saying I'm gonna be able to change overnight. I'm still gonna go out with my pals now and then and get too drunk and maybe forget an update sometimes. I'm only human. And moreover, I'm only human, 22, and in Philly, where that's kinda the main event. But I promise you.. no, look me in the eyes.. I promise you I'll be the best BF I can be. I'll never forget to write about a fun DJ night I go to, or forget to write you on our aniversity and I'll even work on the whole, throwing-up-in-bed-in-the-middle-of-the-night thing you've been mad about. All for you baby, all for you.

Now that we've talked that one out and before we tuck one in (wink.) Let's update you Bitches. Since last we updated...

Courtney found out she's going to college, Temple to be more exact.

(Reenactment of receivement to acceptance letter.)

Jason's in a wheel chair. Chair with wheels to be more exact.

(Really he's just doing a 'sitting down shot gun', incidentally also his Indian name.)

Louisa thought Jason was really in a wheel chair for like a second.

(Reenactment of Louisa thinking Jason's in wheel chair.)

I, Conrad, hit on a straight dude.

(I really should know better by now.)

And Erin kept it fancy and is graduating college.

(Seen here with unknown photographer.)

Seriously though, we appreciate all the support we've gotten for this blog. We've just been a bunch of lazy drunks. And as always, if you know any fun things that we should know, email us at ughnews@gmail.com. Thanks y'all.

Written by Conrad Benner

The Boats Interview

2007-11-08T22:04:00.000-05:00

Louisa: The Boats began some years ago in Savannah. I know lots of people, myself included, were pretty disappointed when you all broke up. Before reuniting in Philly you were kind of spread out across the country. Tell me about the current line-up and how you came to get back together.

Micah: Yeah. Nate, our drummer, and Geoff, our bass player both moved to Philly by coincidence. Jonathan, the guitar player, moved to Portland and I moved to southern California. I visited Nate and Geoff here and decided Philly pretty much ruled so my wife let me talk her into moving here. We called Jonathan to see if he’d move out but he has his own band, Mira Flores, that are doing well. So he’ll stay in Portland but in the mean time we became friends with Beto who plays bass with Walker Lundee. He switched to guitar for The Boats and you’d think he played guitar his whole life. That’s our line up.

L: I'm excited about a new album. When is it expected to be released and what can we expect?

M: We don’t have a hard date yet but it’s being mixed right now so it shouldn’t be too much longer. I think you’ll like it. Some of the themes will be familiar to Boats fans. Like, a lot of songs deal with relationships but also a lot about growing up and what it means to be an adult.

Musically, I like to think the writing has been honed a little bit, the playing is a little tighter and the recording is better and punchier.

L: You just got back from playing a show at the Black Cat in DC. That spot is pretty integral in the DC indie scene. Had you played there before? How was it?

M: We loved playing there. I’d never been there before. The food was great. The room sounded good and we love playing with our Savannah friends, Circle Takes the Square.

L: How do you like the Philly music scene? Any favorite local bands right now?

M: Yeah , it’s pretty good. Nate introduced me to Dr. Dog’s music while I still lived in California and I thought it was terrific. When we moved out here to our first apartment, Toby from Dr. Dog was our downstairs neighbor. That was exciting. They’re my favorite philly band along with Spinto band. I also like Buried Beds and some others . I suck at remembering names.

L: What other projects do you all have going on at the moment?

M: Geoff is always busy at his job at NFL Films doing sound design. Nate has a pet portrait business. He makes luminious oil paintings of peoples pets. Beto plays in Walker Lundee, like I said, and he also does a lot of illustrations. I like painting signs, and fixing up curbside finds.

L: Where are your favorite places to play?

M: We like The Tritone, The Khyber, The Church. I want to play at the Northstar just ‘cause I think it’s a cool venue but we haven’t played there yet. The very best though is peoples houses. House shows are the most fun.

L: Favorite hangout places in Philly?

M: If we’re all together we usually go to Tritone. We like their drink specials and they’ve always got something weird on the menu like fried pickles or alligator. I thought they were an endangered species but I guess they’re not. I asked the waitress, “ what is alligator?” She said, “like… alligator.”

Nate and I live in west Philly so we usually hang out at the Green Line Café or the Satelite Café. Geoff and Beto always go to a bar called Atlantis after practice.

L: If you could play a show with anyone/band past or present who would you choose?

M: The first thing that comes to mind is the Pixies because they’re my favorite band but I suppose it’d be a better fantasy to give myself more musical ability, go back in time to the 50’s (not unlike Back to the Future) and go on tour with Jerry Lee Lewis and Chuck Berry. Ok, throw in Elvis and Roy Orbison and call it even.

L: What do you all do in your free time?

M: I like car shows-even though I feel that cars are evil polluters I still like looking at them. Geoff loves football and fantasy football. Nate likes reading, learning everything about anything and bicycle touring and Beto likes golfing and going to shows.

L: Give me some good/funny Philly stories/memories/experiences.

M: I walked down into the 19th and market trolley stop and there were a bunch of kids laughing. I was trying to see what they were laughing at and there was this poor crazy woman with her pants around her ankles but with a long shirt so she was covered. She was yelling, but kind of singing,”I wanna know WHO’s!…the mother fucker that’s been callin’ the cops on me….every time I pull my drawls down to take a piss. I wanna know WHO’s!...”and so on like that over and over. Is that funny or sad? I thought it was funny.

L: Many of your lyrics are quite bittersweet and personal, a quality which allows people to identify with them easily. What inspires you to write songs?

M: What happens usually is I’ll just be working or walking down the street and I just talk to myself, like you do, and a couple words will strike me as kind of musical or they have a ring to them or whatever. Then I start singing them to myself. It’s easier if I’m upset for some reason.

Another way is, I’ll hear something and it sets off a trigger. For instance one of my friends was sleeping with a really cute girl and another one of my friends was like, ”Oh, she doesn’t really even like him, she’s just fucking with him.” and I thought, “oh, that kind of sucks.” So I tried to write what it might be like to be him and that’s where Don’t Fuck With Me Baby came from.

Sometimes I’m not really inspired at all and Nate or someone will just kind of force me to write something. Like, my wife said, “lets write a song about my friend Rose.” I didn’t want to and she drug me through it and ended up with I’m Your Ghost which turned out to be one of my favorites.

L: Favorite song of all time? (that's actually pretty hard)

M: My favorite song is Leader of the Pack by the Shangri-Las. It’s like a little movie with its great dialog and sound effects. It’s just a magical combination of totally beautiful and totally stupid at the same time. My favorite part is when they do their spooky and sad outro at the end that I think is actually chilling and then they play these dopey tire skid noises over the top of it that makes it funny. I don’t think it’s the most important song in the world; it’s just my favorite.

The Boats play this Saturday, November 10th at Johnny Brendas. Come see.
And check out their myspace, www.myspace.com/theboats.

Written by Louisa. Flyer provided by artist.

The Mural and The Mint

2007-11-07T11:33:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you stumble upon something that restores your faith in an angry city. Restores your faith in strangers and ideals. Not in a cheesy way; just a nice refreshing way. The Mural and the Mint did that for me. Michael Kiley is doing something different with his free music project. As he put it, "Free music isn't an original idea", however how many people do you know who are making and giving away full albums without the goal of eventually turning a personal profit?

The Interview

Louisa: Explain how this whole project came about.

Michael: I started thinking about releasing my music for free a few years ago. Only recently have I had the courage to actually do it. To be honest, I am not really sure if its a good idea. But I do think that in the end, more people will hear my music than they would if I had a label press copies and release it. I just try and not spend money on this project. If I don't spend money, I can't loose money, which is what 99% of musicians end up doing (and what I have done in the past). The times of record sales supporting an artist are long gone. Most of the people that make money off of record sales are non artists. Songs have become marketing materials, so that's what I am letting them be.

L: Your project from title down is distinctly Philly. Are you a native?

M: No, I grew up in North Jersey, and spent some time in New Mexico before moving here. But I love it here. I never wrote a song until I moved to Philadelphia. It has definitely inspired every ounce of this project in one way or another.

L: The idea of making music and not getting financially compensated is so completely backwards from today's mainstream music industry. How have you been received by listeners and other musicians?

M: Well, that's what I'm reacting against. It shouldn't be backwards. Everything about the music business is about making as much money as possible, which is what's really backwards. Neil Young will throw images of Clear Channel planes dropping bombs during a show at a Clear Channel venue. That happens because Neil and the people around him are more interested in making money than producing themselves. And if there is anyone who could set up in a parking lot in the middle of nowhere and play a sold out show it's Neil Young. Its just been going on for so long that people like him who actually care about music and actually hate Clear Channel or Live Nation or some other conglomerate can't separate the two any more, or just don't choose to. It's not anti-establishment to trash a company and then cash their checks.

That's not to say that I don't think musicians should be financially compensated for what they do. Of course I do. I just think that the existing model for paying musicians is so fucked up that I no longer want any part of it. That's why I am asking for donations. People who care about what I do support me, through giving money or donating time and ideas. Like Punk Ave, the company that host my website for free. They believe in what I am doing. I have made more money through donations than I ever have selling records. And that money, little though it may be, goes directly back to the art.

That has been the most negative thing that I have heard though, that giving music away cheapens the artist. But that's not how I see it. Giving 90% of your record sales to managers, label execs and promoters is cheapening yourself. Now, that's not to say that those people shouldn't get paid for what they do, but it is to say that they have become the focus. The artist is the one who takes the risk now, not the publicist or whoever. That is why all art should be free. It should be funded, and free. I'm just trying to find a different way of getting paid, and of making sure the money goes back into the work, not back into the add budget. And look, there are exceptions to every rule. There are good labels and good mangers, good promoters, and good people who work for Live Nation. I'm friends with some of them. But on a whole, it is mostly rotten.

L: You have an upcoming show at L'etage. This space seems perfect for your style of music. Are you planning on playing more shows this winter?

M: Yeah, I love L'etage, when the crowd is right. It's great as a small music venue. I'm going to play a show in Delaware on December 15th, for Tric Town at Mojo 13. After that I think I am going to focus on setting up my own show in an alternate venue. I want to collaborate with dancers and film makers on an evening. Less like a rock show, where people will filter in throughout the night, and more like a performance that starts at a certain time. I try to work with different people every time I perform, creating new versions of the songs for each show. We'll see if I can keep it up.

L: I love the embroidered image for the cover of Caterpillar-Cocoon-Butterfly. Who made it?

M: Her name is Katie Henry. She has the moniker Made By Hank for her work, which you can find on her Myspace. She makes embroidered drawings of people with animal heads and animals with animal heads...I'm still waiting for the animals with people heads, but she doesn't like sewing faces. She also makes great bags. She's gonna be famous.

L: Have you been involved with any other projects (musical or other) in Philadelphia?

M: Right now I do sound design and compose music for theatre and dance. I'm working on a piece with my wife, Nichole Canuso, for the '08 Live Arts called Wandering Alice. It's a site specific work where the line between audience and performer blurs.

L: How do you feel about the music scene in Philly? Any favorite local bands/musicians?

M: It's good. I feel like we could help each other a bit more. I like running into other musicians around town and chatting with them about what they are up to. I feel like most of us are going through similar things...how to legitimize yourself as a musician, how to have a relationship or a marriage or a family and still do what we love. Maybe I should start some sort of support group. That sounds so lame though. No one would come. I love Josh Marcus and Pattern Is Movement among others.

L: Obviously you are proponent of free music. How do you feel about the Limewire type downloading of music not intended to be free?

M: Limewire is stealing, I think it is wrong. I also think it's bullshit that a program like Final Cut Pro should be $1000. That's just people getting fat. But that's not up to me. I don't have the ability to make a program like that, so who am I to say what it's worth. But you can't look at stealing on a case by case basis can you. Is it ok for the start up director to swipe that program because he can't afford it and could be a great film maker? Is it o.k. to take Radiohead's record for free because they don't need the money? No, I took it for free because I make free music myself, and because they let me. I also think it's wrong that a club will take all the money from the bar, AND pay out the sound guy and door guy FROM THE DOOR before they pay the band, but I also don't have the power to open my own club. People can do things however they want to. I'm just disappointed with people's inability to put themselves in check. For a club owner to say, I'm gonna make $100 less dollars tonight and give it to that band that drew five people because they were GOOD, which is why I booked them in the first place. Now they have $100 more to make music with, and I still made money off them and their friends at the bar. When people start thinking that, this town's music scene will really flourish.

L: I'm sure the internet has been critical in getting your music heard. I've noticed lately that bands will list their Myspace page before their real band website on flyers. What do you think of Myspace's involvement in music promotion?

M: Well, My Space is free and having your own web site is not. It also takes no knowledge of html to use it and that's why it is brilliant. It streamlined the web for the masses. It's too limiting for what I want to do though, I can only post 4 songs there for example. It's heyday is over, but it is still invaluable. And it is owned by one of the worst men in the world...I suppose all us peaceniks are hypocrites for using it, just like Neil.

L: Do you think a project like your's would be possible without the advent and popularity of "online communities"?

M: Of course not, the internet is the only place to get my music. There are no copies of it. I think "online communities" are my only hope of being heard. I just hope they find me.

L: Give me a favorite Philly memory/story/experience.

M: I don't know that you could call this a "favorite" but I can't shake it. I was in the police station at 24th and Wolf about a month ago, waiting in the lobby for someone to drive me back to my job (its a long story). There was a mom with her daughter in her lap, she was like 7 or 8. They were both visibly shaken up. Her husband walks in, to which she promptly says "You need to put your fanny pack in the car." And her eyes motion to a sign that reads: NO FIREARMS BEYOND THIS POINT. IF YOU ARE ARMED, NOTIFY DECK OFFICER." He ignores her and sits down. I can't help but think how ridiculous it is to carry a gun in a fanny pack. Fucking hilarious. He asks what happened. Apparently some kids shot a gun off while she was driving her car with her daughter in the back seat. The bullet went through the rear window, and the girl got cut from some of the glass, but the bullet didn't hit anyone. The dad's response was, "We'll that's why I've been carrying since I was 21. This weekend we'll go get you your permit so you can start packing too." The wife just nodded in agreement. It took all my restraint to not ask the guy if his gun could stop bullets. It's so strange to me that people in this city and in this country consistently try and solve problems by becoming them. That's what the song Tyree is about...a boy was shot dead right in front of my house, and it turned into people yelling at each other when they should be coming together.

L: What are some of your favorite things going on right now in the city?

M: Baby disco. Benna's cafe. Pig Iron Theatre and Headlong Dance Theatre. The city wide free wireless. Just kidding.

To donate or learn more visit www.themuralandthemint.com or their Myspace. And come see The Mural and The Mint live at L'etage above Beau Monde on Bainbridge between Sixth and Seventh on November 29th at eight pm.

Written by Louisa Engle. Photo provided by artist.

Nutter Butter, Yum

2007-11-07T05:30:00.000-05:00

Good morning bitches. Micheal Nutter is your new mayor, and that's a great thing. Winning with over 80% of the vote, the widest margin of recent Philadelphia elections. Nutter proclaims “It's a new day in Philadelphia.” With plans to clean up the city and clean out city hall, Nutter truly is a breath of fresh air.

His Top Issues:

Nurturing a more ethical city government

Fighting litter and cleaning up the city

Better zoning and more incentives to create new businesses

And his controversial, “Stop and Frisk” approach to reducing crime and to getting illegal guns off the street. Watch the video below to hear Nutter on crime.

(See a full list of Nutter's campaign promises Here.)

And above all things Nutter is our greatest salesman. He loves this city and wants the world to know how great we are... or, how great we will be after a year or two with him in office.

It's all kinda like when you're dating a guy and he seems okay at first. But then you all get too drunk one night and he calls you a bitch in front of your friends. And your all “Fuck you, that's not okay.” But then he apologizes the next day and brings over that obscure 80s movie you really like... like The Adventures of Babysitting. And your all, whatever he's a good fuck. But then like 2 weeks later you all are super drunk again and he kinda hits you. But like your not really sure if it really was a hit or more of a pushing type of a deal. You just know it was a little too aggressive and it makes you a little uncomfortable. But you still don't really break it off. You just kind of keep hanging out with him. Till one night a week later you see a really cute guy at the bar and your all “he's cute.” So you talk to him and he's really interesting and like, actually has a plan. But not in an obnoxious way, just like he knows want he wants. And he doesn't need to drink all the time. Like he's cool just baking cookies and shit. So you cut it off with that first guy and you keep thinking to yourself, “This is what I could have had the whole time?!? What the hell was I doing before?”

It's like that, you know?...

Want more Nutter Butter? Check out his,

You Tube

Myspace

Written by Conrad Benner

Monster Hands

2007-11-06T22:45:00.000-05:00

Grab your shotguns because this weekend I had a hell of an epiphany about shot-gunning things.

Not only does poking a hole in a can and pulling a tab cut drinking time in half, but it will get you hyphy as fuck and fierce face all over the sideshow. I dare you to prove me wrong.

In fucking fact, I declare this to be the winter of shotguns, next time any of you see me out (which can't be too many, because honestly who reads this joke of a horseshit "blog"), hand me something unopened (within reason) and i'll drink the hell out of it.

Anyway, so I'm ~~standing~~ sitting here in front of ~~you~~ a computer, to say two little things...

Firstly, when did it get so dicking cold outside? I understand seasons changing and all that, but why so damn quick? These southern bones get cold quicker then you yankees, and despite the so called fashion positives of cold weather accessorizing, it does make it increasingly harder to tell who of you out there are uggos. Gnar gnar bodies hidden under layers fancy clothes. NOT COOL MAN. Throw me a bone Philly, why did we have to skip autumn?

Secondly, here's the new podcast. Seriously, chop this sucker up and suck it right into your ears. It has pretty songs on it.

second verse, same as the first.
get it right here.

tracklist:
1 - Cornelius - Breezin'
2 - Everything, Now! - The Birth of Ugly Magic
3 - Dodo Bird - Horny Hippies
4 - Black Diamond Heavies - Fever in my Blood
5 - Arizona - Some Kind Of Chill
6 - Ringo Deathstarr - Sweet Girl
7 - Black Moth Super Rainbow - Sun Lips
8 - The Intelligence - Dating Cops
9 - Tenlons Fort - Ghost on a Hill

Also, if any of you clicked on the link in my last entry, you're gross.

Posted by idiot of the year, Jason Turner

Tame Interview

2007-11-02T12:59:00.000-04:00

It’s all hollow eyed owls and chain saw kitties for James Olstein and Ellen Metro, the mystical combo behind Tame Clothing. The clothing line, specializing in hand silk screened tee shirts, hoodies, and pillows, relocated several years back from Pittsburgh and has since been embraced by the Philly art scene. After selling out several locations, the line is now exclusively available at Mew Gallery in the Italian Market. I’ll tell you first hand that these two have brains filled with brains. James’ complex sketches come alive on these wearable pieces of art. I mean if you think about it, we all knew a robot would puke nuts and bolts if he’d had a few too many...

Louisa: When did the idea for Tame Clothing come about?

James: This kid in Pittsburgh had opened a store of his own silk screened shirts and prints. They were 40 dollars for a shirt and 200 for a print and he was doing it out of this loft his parents had bought him. Every print was just garbage and I realized I could do better than him. So the next day I bought my first screen and started to teach myself to screen print. I figured if this kid could do it I could do it better. Ellen and I have been at it ever since. We won't stop until we put Sears out of business.

Ellen: Jim has been really into t-shirt design for a long time now and he wanted to make shirts that would appeal to us, as well as unique designs that would appeal to people like us.

L: Do you and Ellen hand silk screen all the pieces?

E: Yes, we do. Jim is MUCH, *MUCH* better at it than I am and honestly, I have only screened a few pieces. I have helped him screen a few shirts and I did my entire last set of owl pillows.

L: Where are the pieces currently available?

J: Mew Gallery has been a strong supporter of ours since they opened. They probably have the most stuff. Jinxed on 4th used to carry us too, but sold out. I just haven't had time to make anymore. I've been busy with the responsibilities I've been given after being voted Miss Teen USA.

There's no time to screen print when your Miss Teen USA.

E: I am also going to be dropping off more owl pillows soon [to Mew Gallery].

L: I've seen some awesome pillows you have made. Any plans to expand your reach past shirts and pillows?

J: No not really, there are so many great ideas and designs I have for just those two things. We have hoodies, there hard to hold onto. That's as diverse as we get. We always sell them all. The designs keep getting crazier. I lose a lot of sleep over them. Ellen loves doing the pillows and is really great at it. people love em like kittens and yarn. We have new stuff finishing production now and soon a new website too.

E: Jim is the brain behind the t-shirts and he has come up with basically all of the designs, with a little bit of input from me. I would love to do some square pillows that feature some of our new designs and Jim's artwork on them. I get psyched about making pillows. :)

L: Even though they are printed, each item is a one of a kind piece of art. Do you feel pride when you see people wearing your clothes?

J: I love it. It's always so weird to see someone on the street wearing one. I gave my mom one and she won't let me take a picture of her wearing it for the website. I wanna see them on astronauts.

E: Yes, DEFINITELY. Tame Clothing is something that I would love to do full-time one day if possible. I am much better with and much more interested in the management side of the business. One of my main goals in life is to be self-employed one day, so when I see people wearing our shirts I feel as though I've come a little bit closer to meeting that goal.

L: Did someone really get a tattoo of one of your drawings?

J: Apparently just owning the t-shirt wasn't enough.

L: Where do you draw inspiration for your drawings?

J: Peanut Butter and memories of growing up in the woods.

L: You sell to some great local spots. Do you think of Tame as a Philly company?

E: I do, yes.

J: Yes I do. I love Philly even when the shirt company or an art show fails miserably there is always an opportunity too do better here. We've been a company for over two years an the majority of it has been in Philly. I am in Texas right now and i can't wait to get home to where no one has an accent and everyone hates you right off the bat.

L: Have you gotten good feedback from local businesses?

E: We have. We had our shirts at Jinxed Clothing and we still have shirts and pillows at Mew Gallery. We have a good relationship with both shops and hopefully, we will pick up more shops that want to carry our stuff in the near future! A high point for me was the R5 Productions Punk Rock Flea Market in December 2006. That was the best feedback from the public that I feel we've gotten thus far. Our table was quite popular that day and I don't think the popularity came from the fact that I brought bags full of homemade owl-shaped sugar cookies and sold them for only $1 a piece that day. :) It was the shirts and pillows that got the people psyched.

Tame Clothing can be found at Mew Gallery between Ninth and Tenth on Christian. Check Tame’s myspace www.myspace.com/tameclothing for updates on new pieces and their forth coming website.

Written by Louisa Engle, Photos by artist

Center City Shootings

2007-10-31T04:58:00.000-04:00

Philadelphia's latest black eye... Well, actually less like a black eye and more like four bloody gun shot wounds.

(Officer Mario Santiago, shot once in the shoulder by suspect at 22nd and Sansom Streets)

Four shot in total; Including a police officer, at least two in critical condition.

Everyone living, working, and playing in Center City last night (Tuesday) were apart of the commotion. Cop cars by the dozens flying up every street; Chestnut, Sansom and Walnut mostly, all heading west.

It was around 10pm, I was working at my gelato shop on the corner of 20^th and Sansom when I noticed a police car, then one more, then three more. People standing at the intersection started to fix there gaze westward. Police cars and vans are now flying up Sansom in groups, I think I counted 46 total by the time I saw the last one. [Actual accounts are much more staggering, check it, over 100 Police officers and Marine units were called to the scene. Damn.]

I walked outside, instantly rumors filled the air. (It is Philly.) A couple of Comcast employees were working on a new cable line when I reached the corner. They say they've heard some gun shots. A young man and his girlfriend walked up and say they hear that protesters are being maced by the hundreds at the Democratic debates in West Philly. Briefly, the theory of an explosive was spread around.

I just hoped Hillary was unharmed.. She's my girl.. Fuck off.

Then I heard of shootings around 15^th and Sansom by some friends that texted me. That's when things got wired. Two shootings in Center City in less then an hour?!?

At this point Ambulances and Police vehicles are going in every direction. As described by my cab driver later that night, “Shit was apocalyptic.” The cabbie was also nice enough to let me know that the gunman had jumped into the Skuykill and the Coast Guard had come with snippers to find him. (Information the previous rider had left him.)

At that point I was all, “old news, 15^th and South, please.” Truth was, I knew I was gonna Google all this shit later. It was 12 midnight and time to get drunk. Like every other night, I'll deal with reality in the morning, at least I tell myself.

Also, Bob and Barbara's is the shit to have fun at on Tuesdays, in case you were out of the loop.

Fact is: I had 4 or 5 specials at BB's and had a good night. But from 10-12 it was a free for all in CC. Everyone was calling there friends, people on the streets were starting rumors (at one point I was under the impression that there had been at least four separate shootings in CC.) Shit was crazy.

Truth is: The gunman shot 3 people in a car at 15th and Sansom for an unknown reason. He ran up Sansom, chased by Officer Santiago and got into an altercation at 22nd street and was shot by the gunman. Who continued his Sansom Street run west to the river where he jumped in and is still in pursuit.

Point is: Crime in our city is out of control. Especially with the guns. We need to stop asking our next mayor what is his plan is to fix it, and start demanding our current mayor to address it. (Um, I guess we should still ask our next mayor what his plan is, but you know what I mean.)

How do we stop the violence? Email Ugh your opinions and comments on this 'shootings' shit to ughnews@gmail.com

For more information and videos of this breaking news story check out CBS3.

Written by Conrad Benner

Seriously NSFW or Anywhere for that Matter

2007-10-29T07:09:00.000-04:00

Are you a horrible person?

In no way should you, or anyone you have ever known, want to see this video. If you click on the link below you are a horribly disgusting, morally devoid monster that should be thrown in a pit and burned alive for wanting to be such a pile of shit.

This is not safe for work. Not safe for anyone that has ever existed. Not safe for the worst person you've ever met. If you click the link you've probably gone on some next level rape shit that I cant even imagine.

Don't.
At All.
Click.
This.
Link.
You're worthless.

2 girls, 1 cup.

There's either not enough chicks or not enough cups. I can't do the math.

Unfortunatly posted by Jason Turner M.D.

Scary Movie Review

2007-10-28T16:45:00.000-04:00

I don't know if you have ever been to Canada. I have. I went to visit some idiot that, one night after a party, turned on a porn called "Cherry Pie" in which Archie and Jughead tag team Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and then tried to have sex with me on the couch in his mother's living room. Aside from that part, which I blame on sweet Canadian hash oil, and teenage hormones, the trip wasn't a bad one.

But, I was feeling kind of guilty the other day, because while I was there, walking down a street in Toronto, I opened a pack of smokes and dropped the wrapper on the ground. A local saw this and began berating me, but because I was young and American I lost my shit on him, and probably called him a "hippie fag." I never forgot about that, and now I feel really awful for disrespecting someone and their country.

Well, I did until Monday, when I found out that some Canadian fucks stole my debit card number and spent a thousand dollars of money I didn't really have on what my boyfriend suspects was probably Hockey Jerseys, Molson Ice, and Brian Adams albums. This week has been an absolutely terrifying experience...but not nearly as terrifying as terrors in the terrible horror flicks I watched during my Haaauuunnnted Couch Halloween Movie Week.

1. The Invitation

Yeah, I know it sounds scary (no it doesn't), but like this poster, it is clearly a tool for learning how to care about yourself, your partners in business and life, and your father, whom you never knew until he tried to poison you. It stars Lance Henriksen, best known for his portrayal of Bishop in Aliens. He also played a character named Frank Black in an X-files episode. That might be useful wanking information for any Pixies superfans you know. The Invitation also starred a group of people you have probably seen in amateur porn. Listen, I don't really have anything to say about this movie except that it wasn't funny, and there wasn't any blood, no one died, and it didn't seem to think very highly of our neighbors to the south.

2. Slumber Party Massacre

It's like a merry go round of tits and blood.

3. 976- Evil

This movie is a dark horse, but I don't understand why you aren't watching it right now. It was directed by Robert Englund, better known as Freey Krueger, and stars Stephen Geoffreys, better known as the guy from any one of these gay films...
Hunk Hotel
Virtual Stud
Leather Buddies
Cock Pit
Gay Men In Uniform
Seamen Training Day
and
Guys Who Crave Big Cocks

Bravo,

But seriously, the movie fucking kills any other movie I've ever seen.

4. Return to Horror High

I was a little worried going into it because I hadn't seen the original Horror High, but then I found out that there wasn't really a first Horror High, so....you know the first ten minutes are worth it for George Clooney's eyebrows and tunnel haricut, but after that...it's pretty fucking hilarious.

But, again, I think no one really dies. Except Clooney...

5. Phenomena

Everyone kept talking throughout the whole movie, so I didn't really know what was going on. But, I think that even if everyone had been quiet, I'd still be pretty fucking lost.

Directed by Dario Argento Starring Jennifer Connelly, and the sweetest fucking Chimp that you've ever seen.

Jennifer Connelly talks to bugs! Man, this movie was awesome. If you've seen Suspiria, then you know where I'm coming from. This soundtrack not only has Goblin but also Iron Maiden, and Motorhead. And a Chimp.

Imagine Project X, microcosmos, Requim For a Dream, a guy in a wheelchair, Flowers in the Attic, that one Twilight Zone episode, and teenage bulimia.
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!

6. 30 Days of Night

I read this comic, so I was pretty impressed with what an incredible job they did with the visuals in this movie. Everyone else was blinded by the amount of blood. One part was so needlessly gory that I started to cry a little, but then couldn't stop laughing hysterically for five minutes.

$9.75 at the Riverview, and totally worth it.

7. The Adventures of Pete and Pete; Halloween Special

I wish I had been this fucking cool when I was 12. The episode also has Iggy Pop in it, who calls someone a "Stooge" I'm glad I get that now.

8. X-Files: Excelsis Dei (Season 2, episode 11)

Okay, I know that this isn't a horror movie, but this episode features something I've been joking about for months-
Ghost rape.

You can read all about it in,

9. Theatre of Blood AKA: Much Ado About Murder

This movie has some of the best gore and worst acting I have ever seen. But, it's got Vincent Price, so you know, it's credible.

Side note: I was very opposed to watching this film, and kept giving my friend Dustin a hard time about how gay he was for wanting to watch a Vincent Price movie. When he invited me over, the conversation went like this...

Dustin: Are you coming to watch the movie, or not?
Me: Nah, but I might catch the tail end of Vincent Price, like so many young men.

Anyway, eventually I felt bad about razzing him, because the movie was actually really great. But then I was validated by IMDB that sites HOMOSEXUAL as a keyword in searching for the film.

Suck it, Dustin.

See you next week when I will write about something else.

Written by Courtney Davison

Magazine Confuses Real with Ugly

2007-10-23T09:54:00.000-04:00

There's been a lot of talk recently about Philadelphia being rated “Least Attractive City” by Travel & Leisure Magazine. That's bullshit. Well, Kinda... No, but still fuck that magazine.

First of all, let's address “Travel & Leisure Magazine.” For being so picky about what's pretty and what's not, you sure do have some of the most boring, uninspired and ugly covers ever to grace a monthly mag. Seriously, if taking a vacation is going to be as dull and insipid as you make it look I'd rather shop for graphic tees on South Street then peruse the DVD machine at Wawa for fun.

(It's a fun shirt.)

“Ooooo, I'm in a hammock,”

“Oh, Philly's so ugly but hammocks rule...”

Get a new fucking idea “Travel & Leisure Magazine,” throw in a damn beach chair every once in a while.

Secondly, we don't give two shits about what your “readers” think is pretty or ugly. Last time I checked, families of four from Cincinnati filling out questionnaires in the airport, aren't exactly the most fashion forward.

Look at Miami and San Diego, two cities that ranked high in the poll. They are full of silly-fake people who've had too much plastic surgery, wear too much make-up, and tan until every molecule of their skin is perfectly (which ironically enough is imperfectly) even, crispy and pre-cancerous. (Of course, this is a stereotype and we do not endorse the use of stereotypes... most of the time.)

Philly's more realer. We don't mind a chipped tooth now and then. Our women wear make-up only to accentuate. We enjoy pale skin and/or arms and legs full of tattoos. We don't mind and often search out a little B.O. And we think plastic surgery is for weak people and prize our flaws.

So one more time for good measure, FUCK TRAVEL AND LEISURE MAGAZINE!!

This weekend, Ugh went out to prove the magazine wrong. Here's the Philadelphia your “readers” must have missed...

And at night,

(Ok, Louisa's in one.. but she's a Philadelphian too.)

Written by Conrad Benner, Photos by Louisa Engle

and Sarah B

Halloween Terror South Philly Fest

2007-10-20T03:04:00.000-04:00

Getting me pumped for Halloween is like giving a fourteen year old a boner: easy as shit. My mom and I used to work as haunters at the Strausburg Railroad Museum when I was little. Then, all through middle school and high school, we’d all load up in someone’s parent’s minivan to get dropped off in the middle of nowhere to smoke stolen cigarettes, and get the piss scared out of us on haunted hayrides. Then that stupid paradigm shift happened in college, where everyone forewent driving fun for drinking fun, and suddenly there were Halloween parties. I once dated a guy just cause he made such a convincing Rod Stewart. It didn’t last long, but that was like the last fucking sweet Halloween.

My first year in Philly I had my own Halloween party. I had made this excellent mummy costume. Unfortunately, I later decided wasn’t conducive to partying, so I went as a sorrostitute instead, which was convenient, because a friend went as a frat boy, and had a beer bong. By midnight, before the party even really started I was wasted. The last thing I remember is spraying fake blood all over some people who hadn’t worn costumes and screaming: “I don’t know how any of you are drunk, because I am already ALL THE DRUNK.” That night I earned the nickname “Passout Polly,” but not before ruining a lot of things in my room with a sweet Linda Blair impersonation.

Last year was better, I think, except that I forgot to turn my clock back, and ended up working a full shift cutting fruit on only two hours of party sleep instead of three. I guess all I’m trying to say is that the years since the devil’s drink has taken over my devil’s night have fucking been more and more lame. So! This year, I thought I might get back to basics, and try to see the dark light that I once found in Halloween once again.

Part 1:
Six Flags: Asshole Adventure- Fright(ning douche) Fest

We spent six hours at the park and rode four rides. One of them was the teacups (which are hilarious and awesome, so don’t be “too cool” to spin, okay?) We could have ridden more rides, except for all the swells that shelled out the extra $40 (on top of the $30 to get in at half price) to get this thing called “FlashPass”.

Okay, so here’s how it works: you get this little beeper thing that you scan at these kiosks at the gate of the ride line,

Then it tells you when to come back so you can go get a blowjob in the bathroom or count your gold coins or whatever while all these other honest idiots are waiting in line, and then just stroll back in and onto the ride. So, if you don’t have the FlashPass, you wait in line for an hour to ride Skull Mountain, and then get to the front only to get FlashPassed, and have to wait some more! I’m not insane about class dilineation, but like The Game says in How We Do: “Bougie ass bitches you can kiss my ass”. And yes, we did boo some ten year olds with FlashPasses off the ride. But! Seriously, Kingda Ka was totally worth the two hour wait. I know it only lasted for 50 seconds, but it goes from 0-130mph in 3.5 seconds, and made the whole day worth it. P.S. Should I have been surprised that Six Flags would pit us park goers against each other for a quick buck, when there’s product placement like this?

Part 2:
Haunted alley! I’ve never lived in a city where the residents love to decorate as much as they do in South Philly. They would decorate for Wednesdays if you gave them garland. I love ooohhing and ahhhing at the lights at Christmas, so I figured I might be able to find my holiday spirit on Tasker st. Some decorations that seemed strange, but pretty popular were these plastic sheets that no one seemed to know how to hang straight.

In fact, everything seemed to be lacking in true respect for the meaning of Halloween

Except for the windows. All of my favorite spooks were featured:

Ghosts

Black Cats

Witches

Skeletons

And even Zombies!

Anyway, here were some of my favorites,

Part 3:

Tame-itentury: Terror without the Balls.

Our groups weren’t spaced out enough, so our group kept getting the tail end of the boo! Gags meant for the group in front of us, AND in the group in front of us, someone kept laying these super gnarly farts, but I shouldn’t complain, because the company was good, and our tickets were free… So I won’t. Besides, the parts that were really good, I don’t want to give away.

Whatever, fuck it, despite my adulthood trying to harsh my Halloween high, I am still super pumped. Take that!, responsibility, pride, accomplishments, rational thought! Fuckers. Until next week, when you can see pictures of me in a body suit, and I’ll write about something that won’t be as exciting as whatever else you’re doing that weekend, like my new iTunes account, or some movie reviews. Probably some movie reviews.

Written and Photos by Courtney Davison

Ellen Crys, America Feels Awkward

2007-10-17T15:13:00.000-04:00

This is a clip of the Ellen Show yesterday. I don't know much about the Ellen Show or the daytime TV game in general, but something happened to a dog and she got emotional on live television. Watch for yourself...

Soo, this makes me feel weird. Like when you see you're mom cry for the first time. Life get real for a second... Ok, I'm thinking about it too much and now I'm crying live while blogging. Fortunately for me, you can't see it, but its embarrassing none the less. I'm a snotty crier.

Written by Conrad Benner

TRKFLD, Meet GHNWS

2007-10-17T14:46:00.000-04:00

(I hope vowels never become cool again. Fuck vowels...
I mean, FCK VWLS.)

A few weeks ago, I sat down and constructed a list of questions I was interested in asking Bryan Poerner, founder of TRKFLD, the successful Philly based bag company. I sent Bryan the questions via the magical twisting ether that we call the internet and sat back to wait. The following correspondence ensued...

(Bags: Benjamin, Maile, Luu, Borah)

The Interview

Louisa: Your bags have a very clean simple feel to them even though you often use busy prints, creating a very unique look. Any plans to branch out in a different visual direction as far as fabric patterns go?

Bryan: The idea from the start was to use ultra traditional shapes for our bags. Smooth, clean lines. Simple. Then use really fun, fresh materials to give the bags their character. The line we have out now uses all Sunbrella brand fabric. This is traditionally used for awnings, outdoor furniture and other things of that nature. We love the colors and the patterns that this fabric offers, plus the practical features. It is water resistant, will never ever fade, and you can clean it off with soap and water. So you should be able to keep it looking good forever.

Sunbrella is only the start though. We plan to branch out our fabric family next season. We are messing around with a bunch of ideas though. The tag on the front will change, depending on the fabric we use.

L: Have you quit your day job yet? How do you find time to design?

B: I have not quit my day job. I work a lot, but it doesn't feel like work. I go around talking about running shoes for Puma half the day... and dream up new bag ideas the rest of the day. Squeeze in some xbox/running time too. I stay busy.

L: You design the fabric patterns or do you pick from existing options from the material provider?

B: We don’t make our own fabric. We think of our fabric partners as designers themselves and don’t want to mess with what they got going. We just want to do neat stuff with their product.

L: City Paper hinted in a past article that you may be playing around with a Harris Tweed fabric in the future. Seems like a perfect look for a new line, any plans for a darker Fall or Winter line?

B: Yeah, we will have this for next fall. We are working on the samples now. This line will be small and tight, but should be killer. The history of Harris Tweed is cool as heck, and we are super excited to be working with it.

L: As a Philly specific blog we are obviously interested in the fact that you are a Philly Based Company. You are currently selling your bags at smaller boutiquey shops. Would you consider selling them at a large nation wide chain in the future if that option came about, or is the small independent business idea important to you?

B: Well, it is all important. I love small business. I love the idea of people doing stuff on their own. That is why we started Track + Field. As far as distribution goes, we will have a tiered approach. The Sunbrella line will be our mass appeal line. This will be in some bigger places. We just started working with Urban Outfitters for the Holiday season. You will see this some other large places also. But we will have some small lines that are only available in smaller places too. This way we can kind of live in both worlds.

L: When you and your wife, Thi are not busy with your numerous professions what do you enjoy doing?

B: We like playing with our dogs, Critter and Noodle. Bringing them on adventures. I also dig running a lot. I try and get out at least 5 times a week. Xbox has also taken up too much of my time of late. But can you blame me? Halo is fun as heck. Thi bakes a lot and would be traveling I am sure if we were not so busy. She snuck into Laos once.

L: Any favorite Philly spots?

B: Sure. Essene in the fabric district. I eat lunch there live every day when I am in town. Best stuff. Philadelphia Runner in Center City. I run with their running group whenever I am in town. Shopping. I dig Deep Sleep in Old City. Thi buys a lot of stuff at Revelations on 4th and South.

L: This really seems like a labor of love for you. Which came first, the desire to design bags or the desire to own your own business?

B: Business. I have always wanted to do my own thing. I used to run my own record label, then stared an Olympic development team for post-college distance runners, now this. I guess I like to have my hands busy.

L: Any plans in the future to branch out into other rugged chic accessories?

B: We have been messing with a bunch of rip-stop type materials, but have not found the right one yet. It is on the table though.

L: I love the idea that you name all of your bags after friends. Where did that idea come from?

B: Thi thought of it. We were just laying out the catalog and we were thinking of how to name the bags. Then she wanted to name this one round bag Mi after her mom, because she has a big round head. Then I wanted to name a square one after our buddy Jeff Pelly because he knows it’s hip to be square. And so on.

L: How are the bags themselves made? Do you send them out to another company to construct?

B: Yes. We draw up rough ideas, then make samples. These samples are then sent to a factory to reproduce. We have the final step production done all over the world. The Sunbrella bags are made outside of Hong Kong. The Harris Tweed bags are being produced in Scotland.

L: Do you and Thi carry Track + Field bags yourselves? What is your favorite piece?

B: Thi is using the Roxas and I am using the Pelly. I love all of them. I want to make a more dude friendly Mi so I can rock it. Maybe next year.

(Bags: Roxas and Pelly)

L: I really love the shape of the Mi bag. Do you plan on experimenting more with shape in the future as a stylistic technique for your woman’s collection?

(Bag: Mi)

B: This is a really nice question. Yes, we hope we can always stay fresh while using mostly traditional shapes.

L: Is the company name a Belle & Sebastian reference?

B: Nope, I have run track since 8th grade. I am 31 now. I adore the sport and thought it was a good name for this project.

L: What do you think of blogging? Be honest we’ve heard it all before...

B: I think it is great. It is kinda of what we were talking about before with people doing things on their own.

L: Obviously you are into music, being part of the local rap group Yah Mos Def. Any other Philly bands you are into right now?

B: I like Pink Skull a lot. It is hard to say they are so many people doing cool things in Philly right now. Ravens and Vultures. Witch hunt. Sweatheart. Also anything that Steve Heise is involved in is gold. Dragon City, Persons, etc. All gold.

L: Lastly, give me a good “Philly” memory or experience?

B: One time I was running on Forbidden Drive in Fairmont Park. This 5 mile stretch is beautiful if you have never been there. I was running with the LaSalle XC team. Anyhow, we come around one bend and Mayor Street is there stretching. Looked like he was in the middle a run. Before any of us could say anything, he said “you dudes are ugly!” I don’t know why. He was smiling so he must have been joking but I still don’t get it.

To become "friends" with TRKFLD, visit their Myspace.

To shop visit www.trkfld.com.

Written by Louisa Engle, Photos by TRK+FLD

Breaking News

2007-10-17T00:53:00.001-04:00

Amy Winehouse is an ugly bitch.

Written by Jason Turner

Voodoo Ice

2007-10-16T03:49:00.000-04:00

I drew this picture on the elevator in the building I work in. I only have a phone on my camera so needless to say, thats the best I've got.

Hell of an intro... Alright, so Conrad has been asking me for weeks to post something on this thing, I'd like to say begging and pleading, but honestly I'm not that self-important. The truth is, every time I start to write something it turns into either me bitching about blogs, or somehow getting caught up looking at synonyms for boners on wikisaurus (seriously, look it up, it's hilarious and totally safe for work).

So we talked about it, and figured I should share one of the (maybe) three things I know about in this world. Thus, we here at Ugh News are proud to give you our very first podcast. Download it, put it on your iPod or (if you're poor) your crap mp3 player, put your headphones on and go for a nice (little over thirty minute) walk. Enjoy.

Quick tutorial first...
CLICK HERE TO SUBSCRIBE TO OUR PODCAST
If you are new to this, click the above link and your iTunes should open up and you will see our podcasts in your podcast directory (if you don't have iTunes, your life is a mess, catch up on the last five years you've wasted and download it). once subscribed, you can then download the ones you so desire. once we get this sucker going you can then just "refresh" your podcast directory and the next available podcast will be available. It's really that simple. Have fun.

Written and Podcast by Jason Turner

Faggot Snappin' with Sgt. Sass

2007-10-12T16:36:00.000-04:00

K.D. and D.T., of the gay hip-hop duo Sgt. Sass, met at the Art Institute, dropped out, started a rap group and are now on the verge of being (row)household names.

Have you ever stumbled upon something that gives you a glimpse into the future of Awesome? Like Tectonic Dancing or the Hipster Olympics? Well, that's how we felt when we met K.D. and D.T. Of course, there was no stumbling involved. Ugh has hundreds of research monkeys searching the web and all media outlets for the newest and best of all things Philadelphia. That's a fact. The monkeys have even gotten together and started a dance nation that will be battling Club Lyfestile this weekend at R.U.B.A., hopefully making that ish hole fun again. But of course the inner workings of Ugh News are of no interest here...

So here's what you've been waiting for, bitches. Meet Sgt. Sass...

(Left to right, K.D. and D.T)

The Interview

Conrad: How did Sgt. Sass develop? Who inspires your music?

DT: The concept of Sgt. Sass started out in the living room our apartment around 2004.
We didn't start taking it serious until January of this year.
KD: At the time we were asking ourselves "why aren't there any gay rappers in the Philadelphia area. Other major cities like New York, LA, for example, have a strong gay rap scenes. Why not Philadelphia? When it comes to hip-hop I find my inspiration in Biggie, Missy Elliot, Rakim, Busta Rhymes, Lil' Kim. The list goes on and on!
DT: Whoa. I think we have same inspirations!

C: In your song “Faggot Snappin'”, you talk about using the word faggot because it's used against you. How big of a problem is homophobia in Philadelphia?

DT: I think homophobia in Philadelphia is just as visible as any other discriminatory acts in our daily lives. If you are something that a large group people are against, there are going to be haters regardless.
KD: We made "Faggot Snappin'" to embrace the word faggot. Homophobia is a problem, period. We have to own it!

C: Where does this homophobia come from? Why do you think it is so pervasive in hip-hop music?

DT: I think this is a very broad question to ask. I believe everyone knows the answer to it - it steams from fear. Fear, that is nine times out of ten, related to religious beliefs. If you are taught something for generations and generations, if you hear it in the home from people you love and respect, then you start to believe it. Yeah, there's a point in everyone lives where they start to think for their own - outside of what they were taught as young children. But, most people still continue to think inside that narrow box. That's where I believe homophobia comes from. Wow, you're really making my head spin right now. I feel like this is queer black studies course that I am teaching. Pervasive, true. I believe it is prevalent because for generations in the black community there has always been this issue of masculine vs. feminine, mostly steaming from religious beliefs and everything else that I stated about where I think homophobia comes from. Ok, I'm done.
KD: Amen, child. You were about to go off!

C: VIP had a lot of novelty, and that got people interested. You rap harder, no doubt, but the majority of your songs are wrapped in gay rhetoric. How are you different?

KD: We represent what is truly hip-hop. We represent ourselves, queer black men.
DT: My head is still spinning from the previous question.

C: Can you see yourselves playing traditional hip-hop venues in Philly? Would you perceive any problems?

KD: Yes and yes. But, I ain't never scared. I wouldn't be doing this if I were scared of rejection. If you say you are a gay rapper, people - gay or straight - are
going to give you a dirty look. It wouldn't be truly hip-hop if we we're scared of any venue.
DT: Honestly, we're not catering to the traditional hip-hop world. We're catering to queer people that love hip-hop music. If any traditional hip-hop persons jump on the SS bandwagon, that's cool. We'll rock Power House.

C: In your interview with PW, you said, that although you won't buy from a homophobic rapper, like 50 Cent, you still listen to their music. Why support them at all?

KD: I will listen to any artist that has something to say about where they came from. I'm not going to like everything they say. Just like they wouldn't like everything that I have to say. But, we're from the same type of hood, grew up listening to the same types of music so why not listen. The only thing that is different is what we do behind closed doors.
DT: Well, seriously, I only buy female rappers' albums. Oh wait, I copped that Pharrell mixtape. He's sort of queer, in the technical sense.

C: Who are some gay-friendly rappers to listen to?

DT: I just read an article in HX about Eve and she loves us, honey!
KD: Missy Elliott - I mean, damn, whatever floats your boat.

C: Can you talk about what you write in your songs?

DT: We write about our everyday lives or about what we want to achieve in this life. That's true hip-hop. We don't lie, period. That's out of pocket. I like writing when my emotions are soaring uncontrollably. Everything from ex-boyfriends to that bitch that looked at me the wrong way in H&M or about all the mad blunts we smoke. Ya dig?
KD: We try to keep it real as possible. I've written about my sex game to my bitch of a roommate. Whatever the hell I'm going through at the moment is what I write about. I use this as an artistic release. Hopefully, someone will relate to it.

C: What does creating a song look like? Do you find a track first then rhyme over it? Or do you write some lyrics and find a beat to mirror them? How is it produced?

DT: We do everything. It's all inspiration. At first it was about finding our favorite tracks to rap over so we could prove to y'all we ain't playing around. It's typical in the hip-hop world to rap over other industry beats. I write all the time. I can write on the dime. It don't matter. As for finding a beat to mirror them, you can rap over any beat as long as you have a flow. It's natural rhythm. Currently, Johnny Woods, Steven Bloodbath, and Moblin have produced for us. Originals, baby. Sometimes we play around with the equipment too.
KD: We try to challenge ourselves as rap artists in different ways with different concepts in production. We don't want to repeat what we have done with tracks before. We want to stay fresh. We already stand out!

C: Where do you want Sgt. Sass to be in a year?

KD: Full length album, tour, and Logo!
DT: Ditto.

C: Ok.. on a lighter note, what kind of guys are you into? Are you single?

DT: I'm single. But, I don't like guys. That's gay.
KD: (laughs)

What's your Ugh-pinion on...

Nationalized health care?

DT: I have sickle cell anemia and it's so hard to get health insurance. I could go on about this issue for bit but I won't. It's just fucked that we don't have nationalized health care!
KD: Does that mean free like Canada?

Hillary vs. Obama?

DT: Both!
KD: Yeah, and let them draw straws to see who gets on top!

Philly's gay scene?

DT: I was going to say that I was over it. Personally, I still don't identify myself with it. But, lately, I've come to respect it more. We're here, we're queer - get use to it!
KD: I respect any gay scene. As long as we work on unity! There is no reason why shouldn't all get along and support each other.
DT: OOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKKKK!

Want more Sgt Sass? Click here to go to their Myspace for songs and show listings. Also, Philebrity has posted SS's "Homo Homies"(Baltimore remix), or watch dem faggots rap over Mims "This is why I'm hot" from Pridefest, below.

Written by Conrad Benner, Photos by Karen Kirchoff

The City Before 7

2007-10-12T15:18:00.000-04:00

I love the morning, but I hate getting up. True story. A few summers ago my friends and I were rocking the stoops pretty hard. And with the glorious invention of Sparks Black, we were rocking the malt pretty fucking serious too.

One day, I was kind of over it. I don’t remember why, maybe it was just time to stir the pot. So, as a way to keep myself from staying out all night living the life I love, I took a job that began at 6:00am, which meant I had to be up by 5:00. It didn’t change anything except that instead of hung over afternoon bike rides to work requiring sunglasses, there were twilighted and swervey rides to work still wearing sunglasses from…why the fuck was I wearing those? Maybe it was my lack of sleep and intoxicated state, but those bike rides to work were so surreal in their nature that I figured, hell, I should really do a story on that creepy wrinkle.

Caveat:
The entire day before I got up for this mess, I was thinking about how to start the story. And it seemed like Iron Maiden was as good a place as any. “Two Minutes To Miiiiiidnight” raged through my head for 24 solid hours. I was all set to talk about how Bruce Dickinson was a pansy for thinking that Midnight was the scariest time of night, and that he should try his throat at the Gayborh- oops! I mean “Midtown Village” early morning scene, and then see what scares the shit out of him. BUT, (and as you’ll see, disappointment is a common theme in this narrative) THE SONG IS NOT ABOUT MIDNIGHT AS WE KNOW IT. It’s about the fucking atomic clock, and some anti-war shit. I didn’t know Bruce changed his name to Bono, did you? A more appropriate song to listen to while reading this article is “Ghost Town” by the Specials. So, play it if you’ve got it, and let’s go.

You know, I was totally pumped to get up at 4:30am for this. Like when I went to see that new Stephen King stinker, 1408. I mean, King’s got some sweet fucking films, but then the movie sucked. It wasn’t scary. I thought that riding around the city between the hours of 5:00 and 7:00am was going to blow my mind like an American seeing pictures from Vietnam for the first time. Really though, the scariest part was seeing how empty the city was.

In space, no one can hear you scream. That kind of feeling, except less like a tag line, and more like real life. And maybe like the few chapters of “House of Leaves” before it gets boring.

So, just a few blocks in, I was ready for breakfast. There weren’t too many people at Little Pete’s, just the staff, some woman that looked like the ghost of an art teacher, and some Greek dicks with their prize ladies (Who were all perfectly made up, except that the make up around their nostrils had strangely worn off. What was that all about?), causing a ruckus. They all lit up cigarettes, and didn’t give a shit when they were asked to leave. But, actually, as I was making notes about them, right in the middle of writing the word “dicks” they offered to pay for my breakfast. I let them. Dicks.

After breakfast, I went to Rittenhouse 1715. It’s a boutique hotel over on Rittenhouse Square Street that offers an all night concierge service.

I spoke with the guy on duty, and asked him a little bit about what it’s like being awake every day at such an eerie hour. He said that he doesn’t know why he works at night like this, because he can’t even sleep with the lights off at home. “This time of night isn’t like in New York where it’s still all these partiers out and about,” he said. “It’s more of the unfortunates roaming around. Everything is unnatural and aimless.”

And that was about it. The morning did indeed feel unnatural, and aimless. I didn’t see anything sweet, like that Rittenhouse rodeo cowboy, or dead animals, or bloody drunks, or beloved prosties of any gender. To be honest, it was kind of a bust, and I am kind of pissed. Don’t get up before noon, lesson learned. This wound will take a while to heal. So, until next week, when I’ll be poking fun at Halloween decorations, and making you super jealous with my fun Halloween week of Frightfest at Six Flags, VIP tickets to the Eastern State Penitentiary, and pissing off that guy at CVS by trying on all the costumes, but not buying anything.

Written and Photographed by Courtney Davison

The Future, Philadelphia

2007-10-11T14:26:00.000-04:00

As the Comcast Tower nears completion and cranes populate Center City and beyond, we ask.. What's next to wow our blooming skyline?

[Comcast Tower, 2007, 975Ft]

Is that a skyline Philadelphia, or are you just happy to see me?

Even in a national housing bust, Philly shows surprising resilience and without skipping a step it seems, continues to roll out it's plans for a bigger, better city. One reason we're holding so strong, Philly has been so undervalued and underdeveloped for so long. Our population has been growing steadily, especially in Center City. And if this week's Rolling Stone is any measure, Philly was named their "2007 Hot Scene", the trend is expected to stay. Simply put, we're really just playing a game of catch-up.

In recent years we've witnessed some exciting buildings go up..

Cira Centre, 2005, 437Ft

Symphony House, 2007, 375Ft

And.

Murano, 2007, 475Ft

To name a few.

And the future will continue much the same. There are literally dozens of projects proposed, approved to be built, or already under construction. Here are some of the more interesting of the bunch.

Our Future...

Cira South (Approved), 2012, 40-50 stories

The latest in the, “We're Upenn, look how much money we have.. No really, look. We're better than you.. a lot better. And we probably read more.” Fuck you Upenn. Although, this complex is legit pretty cool. The 14-acre Cira South project, which includes a 40 to 50 story office tower on Walnut Street and a 25 to 30 story residential tower on Chestnut Street will expand the skyline even more west west than it's sister Cira Centre. Creating a corridor of skyscrapers along the Schuylkill , much like the Chicago river corridor. It also includes plans for a pedestrian bridge to connect University City and Center City.

Next,

Bridgman's View Tower (Approved), 2010, 915Ft

There's no doubt about it, BV would dramatically change the skyline. Imagine a building as tall as Liberty One, on the Delaware river. BV is now being discussed in community meetings in NoLibs and Fishtown and may be resized, turned into two 400ft buildings. I, personally, would love to see our skyline stretched east. With so much focus on the Casi-Nos, this project may slip past its obstructers and be built in full. Either way, you will definitely be hearing more about this tower.

The Residence at the Ritz-Carlton (Under Construction), 2008, 518Ft

On the site where One Meridian Plaza's fiery corpse sat for years, right around City Hall. Residence is well under construction and will be up next year. Amenities offered are the same as the hotel, everything you get in a hotel, including 24 hour food services.. just imagine. This is actually a pretty progressive idea for Philadelphia. There aren't many places in America like it.

1441 Chestnut Street (Approved), 2009, 670Ft

Planned to sit in the lot right next to Residence and built at the same time. 1441 and Residence were in heated court debates over construction dates until, out of court, the two building owners came to a truce. Residence would start construction first with 1441 starting 6 months later. (I guess two skyscrapers can't go up next to each other at once. There's some poetry in there..) Well, 6 months came and went. It looks like 1441 may be worried that it will be more than just physically behind Residence and this space may stay a parking lot. We hope not.

10 Rittenhouse (Under Construction), 2008, 390Ft

This project has been on hold for so long, oh unions. You should finally see it start rising this year.

River City (Proposed)

A completely outrageous complex of 10 towers, some as tall as 75 stories, with 12 million square feet of retail, commercial and residential space. Planned to sit on the, now exposed, train tracks that lead from 30th Street Station down to Suburban Station along JFK. This probably will not get built and that's probably a good thing. However it's a shinning example of what an architecturally creative and bold era we live in.

For more information on our blooming skyline there are two sites to check out. Phillyskyline.com and Emporis.com.

Live big Philadelphia, and look up now and then, one day you might see something like this...

Written by Conrad Benner

Bocce Ball: The Coolest Thing to Bring Back since "Da' Bomb"

2007-10-09T16:34:00.001-04:00

I first played Bocce ball about seven years ago when my boyfriend at the time returned from a trip to Croatia and decided it was high time to act more European. I was hesitant at first but soon discovered that the sport held pleasures beyond my wildest dreams...

Bocce ball as my friends and I know it is a laid back outdoor drinking game. While this statement may offend serious experts and professionals in the sport, I believe that the entire philosophy surrounding the game is one of relaxation and fun.

The original idea behind Bocce goes back to Egypt circa 5000bc when the game was played with polished rocks. According to www.bocce.org, "Throwing balls towards a target is the oldest game known to mankind". (Ain't that the truth.) The game, like everything else, was stolen from the Egyptians by the Greeks and then from the Greeks by the Romans who then coined the current name of Bocce from the Latin bottia, or boss. Pretty sweet, right? They basically knew this game was going to kick ass two thousand years ago.

Before the game moved to other parts of Europe it was publicly condemned by both the Catholic Church and the Republic of Venice as a form of gambling. People were actually fined and imprisoned for playing. Currently (currently meaning maybe literally currently but definitely as of 1998), Bocce ball is the world's second most played sport after soccer. It's pretty serious stuff. Google that 'ish and you'll find tons of tournament and club sites including the ever informative www.bocce.com, the official site of the United States Bocce Federation.

It's pretty easy to play. There are of course regulation rules, but if you're at the park or someone's back yard it usually ends up turning into a,

"I forget how to play."
"Oh yeah that's right."
"Wait no it's ... ah whatever that's cool."

Basically the essentials for Bocce are: something to sit on, music, and some Mimosa stuff (Cooks + oj) or Ghetto Mimosa stuff (PBR & Sparks, don't knock it 'till you try it), and the Bocce balls. You find a flattish place to set up camp and then pick teams. You can play with as little as two people and as many as eight. The set consists of a small ball, called a jack or pallino, and eight bigger 4" balls. Usually they are made of lacquered wood or plastic, but the professionals use metal as well. These jawns are heavy so make sure you have a way to get them where you are going.

Either team starts play by tossing the jack about the length of a bowling lane in the opposite direction from the drinking/sitting area. You can throw it as far as you want to, but obviously the farther away the jack is thrown the harder it is to reach with the bigger balls. Next one team throws the first of their larger balls. The idea is to alternate team throws attempting to get your balls as close as possible to the jack.

The fun part, if you're a bitch, is knocking the other team's balls out of the way when they get really close to the jack. The other fun part is figuring out a sweet technique and then slowly forgetting it once the mimosa's start kicking in.

You can also knock the jack closer to a teammate's mis-thrown ball if they happen to suck. It's all about teamwork, Y'all. Points are rewarded to one team per round. The team who gets any ball the closest to the jack gets all the points. Each ball that said team has thrown closer than any of the other team's balls gets a point. You play to 13 or really whatever number you want. Of course there are official rules that can be found on say, www.joyofbocce.com or maybe www.bocceballrules.net.

Fall is the perfect season to play. The weather is cool and the ground is dry. I got my set at a yard sale, but you can get them at any sporting goods store or online for anywhere from fifteen to a hundred bucks a set.

In the immortal words of ImCuterThanYou on some online message board posing the question, "Has anyone here ever played Bocce ball?"..."My ex boyfriend's brother LOVED it, and that is ALL I know about it".

So come on Philly, we all know we need more exercise and more excuses to drink during the day! Bocce ball has currently and officially replaced competetive talking as the new sport of Ugh News!

Written by Louisa Engle